uh huh……….

so, i havent really talked much about my real feelings in my diary lately when ive really needed to let them out. i think lately ive been too self concious knowing that people are reading this that ive stopped writing my most personal stuff! i might just make this private for a while to get back into writing for myself. any who lately ive been stressed with trevor.  let me describe our relationship. i love him, he loves me more, he is my first boyfriend, hes never been single since highschool, ive never had sex, he has many times, i wont have sex till i feel that  i want to marry the person and i wont do a blowjob (because i never have and the thought of it groses me out), so he gets frustrated. we have been together for 8 months now (actually 8 months tomorrow) and i can totally understand things from his point of view. i mean, hes a guy for crying out loud! guys have stronger sexual hormones than girls, especially a guy who is used to having sex. trevor was used to moving really fast with girls in relationships, but that is precisely why his relationships never lasted, so of course i understand that its hard to deal with these new terms while being with me. but also, just like hes had experience, i havent. he has to understand me because hes my first real serious relationship and ive been getting used to having someone when ive been independent so many years. AND ive been in love before and gotten my heart broken. he had never experienced that before. for him, i am his first love, he has never been broken hearted, so for him its easy to get attached and love easily and want to move fast, but for me, i just began to trust that he wouldnt hurt me about halfway through where we are now. it will take me a long long time to get back to those kinds of feelings.  the thought that maybe ill never feel the same way again scares me, i hope i will be able to be in love again, but right now im not feeling that with trevor.  I love trevor, dont get me wrong, but when he says things like "ill always love you" or "ill never leave you" or when im sick saying " i love you , in sickness or in health" or "id give my life for you" those are things someone says to someone when they are totally in love wiht them. when you know that you cant be happy with anyone else in your life except for them and you know that they are the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. a realization thats crystal clear. and that is the feeling that i got from trevor which kind of freaked me out because i don’t feel that way at all! and he was going on lately about how if your in a relationship you should make sacrifices especially if you really love each other, and how he felt he wasn’t  getting all that he expected to get out of this relationship.  so that made me feel bad because i felt that he thought i loved him the same way and that is why he didnt know why i didnt want to "make love" with him or give him a blowjob because it didnt make sense if two people really loved each other. he says things like " it just frustrates me because i have sex with people that dont even matter, and then i finally find a person taht i actually really love , but i cant make love with them and they are the only one i want to be with."  and so i felt more guilty and more guilty because near the beginning of our relationship i talked to him about how he had stronger feelings for me than i had for him, but by now he probably thought i felt the same. and so i wrote him this letter:

Dear Trevor,

I’ve been thinking about what to say to you for a few days now, and I decided to put it in a letter because its much easier for me to express myself and much easier for you to listen without all of the frustrating interruptions and misjudgements. First of all this is just something I wanted you to hear, im not breaking up with you or asking you for space so don’t worry! I don’t want to create a miscommunication so here it is. Not so long ago you were talking about how sometimes you feel that you aren’t getting as much as you think you should be out of this relationship, and that in a way im being a little selfish in wanting things to go my way all of the time. you’ve also been asking me to do things that I don’t want to do. sometimes I feel like I think I want to do them but its really just because I care about you and want you to be happy. I know you talk about how there should be sacrifice in a relationship, especially when two people love eachother so much, and I’ve felt bad about not giving you what you want out of this relationship. Do you remember the couple of times a while back when I talked to you about how I felt you had stronger feelings for me than I had for you? I know it hurt you when I talked about it and I hate to hurt you, but its only fair to you that I be honest in everything when it comes to this relationship. From everything you say, to the way you act, It seems that you already have an idea of me being in your life, most possibly being married to me in the future, but right now Im not ready or even thinking about being with someone for the rest of my life or thinking about "the one". I do love you, I really do, just not in the same way or the same level as you love me. I don’t want you to leave me and I don’t want to leave you because I love you and I think right now we like being with eachother and we are good for each other, but im not in love with you to the point where I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you and that you are the one I always want to be with forever, im sorry. Im not saying this wont last, im just saying that right now I don’t know where its going and im not ready to commit myself to that kind of relationship. That is why I cant give you what you want and why I seem selfish in that way and why I don’t want to do certain things. Its because I don’t feel that im there emotionally yet. I wanted to let you know all of this because I felt that you thought my feelings and expectations should be the same as yours by now, and I didn’t want to continue leading you on in that way of not being honest about my feelings. I feel like im cheating on you with myself by not giving you everything you think you deserve out of our relationship and it feels terrible because the last thing I want to do is hurt you. I am sorry you had to see this before I finished it and im sorry I cannot express it freely through the mouth, but im giving this to you now in hopes that you will read it and understand. If not we can talk things over, whatever thoughts or feelings this brings to you we will talk about it. I just had to get this all out. I love you

Hannah

well, right in the middle of typing it he came around the corner and saw and started freaking out thinkin that i was going to break up with him, which i qui

ckly assured him i wasnt, and then he kept goin on and on about wanting to read it right then and there but i wasnt finished! thing is, this is the way i communicate best, not in person, because in person all my thoughts get jumbled and waht i really want to say doesnt come out right. so i finally got him to go home and wait for me to bring him the letter and afterwards we would talk.  so he went home, i finished and i came over. i was really worried because i didnt want to hurt him and i had no idea how he would react, but surprisingly he said " hannah this isnt that bad at all, i already knew you didnt love me "as much" or whatever and i never said i wanted to marry you!"  and i was relieved and told him how i was mislead from the things he siad and that he shouldnt say those kinds of things if he didnt feel that way. but part of me feels that he was lying because afterwards he said "but, are you saying you feel like we our relationship isnt going to last? does that mean you cant see yourself being with someone like me? and he told me he didnt think about marriage, only that he would "marry someone like me". so im glad i wrote that letter because either way, he was thinking about that and probably just wanted to be on my same level in order to make me feel better after reading the letter. i dont know, ill never know, but the last thing i need right now is someone to be desperately needing me. i cant make that big of a commitment. sigh. i hate drama.
Hannah