today

was a good day. didnt get many hours this week but today i worked from 2:00 till after 9pm nonstop so at least i made up for some of those hours. hurm…i got a new cell phone. the latest from nokia. i think i arleady wrote that but any who its cool cus i cant play over 100 songs on it and i dont have to pay for them cus i can just transfer the songs onto my phone from my computer with this special usb cord i bought. also it takes video and pictures that i can change on the phone like to black and white or antique and stuff. any who its a cool phone. i also got memory cards for it. the only prob is, i like to make my phones custom, and with this one, you cant change the casing of it or the keypad, so what did i do? i painted it green! with nail polish ^_^ that way if i ever want to change the color i can just take it off with nail polish remover and paint it again! so cool. im thinkin about gettin jewels for it. hurm. so after calling adriel like over 15 times since his birthday and he not responding i started to worry. then yesterday he comments me on myspace with a "please help me" which of course has me calling him again emediatley all freaked out. he answers and is all like "oh yea that was the plan, to see if it would make you call" and i told him how worried ive been and it wasnt funny. he said he didnt get any of my messages which i think is bullshit but oh wells.  then  before we can even have a nice chat he says "hey can i call you back?" and i say "sure" knowing that he wont. and he doesnt. i havent talked to that guy in months. im just facing that our closeness is down the drain. yea , we will always be friendly with eachother and always talk every now and then , or whatever, but we are no more than aquaintances now. i dont mind. i survived losing his love, i can survive losing his friendship. ive found that more and more my list of friends has been dwindling either because ive stopped making an effort to stay friends with people who dont make an effort at all, or because over the years people who were my friends changed and i could no longer get along with them. people change, relationships change, and the ones who stay with you forever are the rare people that come into your life and just fit. im not the kind of person who needs a whole lot of friends, even if i only had one, the ones that truly care about me and that im closest to are the ones that matter. even right now though, there are people out there that i will someday be friends with and i have no idea who they are. some day when i move, or where i go, or depending on what job i have. there are so many chapters waiting to begin. i feel that in the last year ive been growing up a lot and its just beginning. im more in a sense of self mode. what kind of people i want around me, what kind of carreer i want, what kind of love i want etc…. and im finding it easier to let go of things that need let going. things from the past especially. i lived too much in the past. and every day trevor reminds me of it. and i never said anything, but he always knows whats on my mind and says he doenst know what is holding me back, but to not be afraid of letting him love me. to not be afraid of moving ahead into something thats wonderful and to not worry about him going anywhere, because he was staying right there. i think the reason why i cant fully open my heart to him is because the doubt thats still there. the fear that feelings will control me again, that if he leaves ill be hurt again. i know its part of life, but that would suck, again. i think i care about him more and more each day though. i had no idea someone would ever love me this much, its just hard to take it all in. almost unbelievable. kind of scares me in a good way i guess. for once, i dont have to try so hard to get what i want. i sleep in his bed every night, and yes, he has given me my first physical ,sexual experiences, he was the first to see me naked ever, and he is the first man ive ever seen naked and the first man ive ever touched, but, im still going to be a virgin till im married and no i have not given him oral. the first is something i am sticking to, the second, well, its just grose, i have no idea when the day will come that i will bend to that ugh. but you see? hes been with me for so long, and he loves me for me, not for what i do. he’s so wonderful ^_^ ive never felt so much respect from someone. he’s not smothering, he gives me my space, and every day its as if it was the first day we met.  hes always excited to see me. in a way, i wish i never loved before him. i wish he was my first love. then i could share that joy again. it wil be a while for me to get back to that feeling though. i know i shouldnt regret, but i do. somehow i wish i could erase the whole thing with adriel and still be the person i am now. wow this is gettin so long! any who yea. oh and if angela or jordan is reading this, hi! adriel told me a long time ago that you guys were reading my diary and i wish you could have let me known and left comments! ok well bye everyone!
Hannah
p.s my myspace link is on the bottom of the front page of my diary! lates!