wow, another new year
my regular horoscope: Sometimes your visionary powers give you glimpses of a wildly different future shaped by your values and desires. Reality may not live up to your vision yet, but taking little steps will help you turn life into your dreams.
my singles love horoscope: If you’re feeling restless, take your long-standing fantasies about how to add excitement to life, and make them reality. Large-scale changes are favored right now, and relationships in particular might need an overhaul.
well i dont really know exactly what that means, ill have to think about that some more.
anyway, i got through anther new year! last new years, was the new years eve after the romantic new years of 2004 with adriel. it was painful because the beach and the fireworks just made me think of him and that moment, and i knew he was with someone else. this is the second new years eve and a year and a half since my heart break….im still hurting. this new years however was not as painful as the last one, but i realized that i have created a wall around my heart. I had a dream the other night that i was in a red jeep and i had just left the movie theater to go home. i backed out of my parking space but realized that i could not move forward. i could only go in reverse! i was able to control my car and see where i was going through my back window but i could not move forward, and so i started driving backwards down the hill past jack in the box and taco bell, then i woke up! i thought about the dream as if the car was me. im the kind of person who likes to be in control but i also dont like change. once i get comfortable with something i stay with it usually. so since i could control the car, but i could only move backwards, that means i was afraid to move forward into some situation that i couldnt control. i wanted to stay put. and i think its about how im afraid of developing real feelings for someone, because if i do, im then vulnerable to get hurt again. when im with guys who seem interested in me i seem to come off cold sometimes, even though im not, and send mixed signals because i dont know how to let anyone in. sometimes i feel it would be easy to just say no to every guy who asks me on a date and just sit at home. because its easier not to deal with it. sometimes i feel id rather be alone then try to find someone to love again. its out of my comfort zone.
the last time i was asked on a date, i almost didnt go because i was scared. i was about to call the guy and make some excuse as to why i couldnt go, and then i realized that im a big wuss. i am. and you know what? i went on that date and i had a great time! but that scared me even more. i dont know how to act around a guy. i mean i’m myself, i act as i do with any of my guy friends (since i had lots of guy friends back home) but i dont know how to show that i care in the least, and i usually keep my thoughts to myself unless asked. i dont flirt either 😛 im worried that every guy i hang out with will just end up not talking to me because it seems like im not interested, or that i dont like them at all. sometimes i wish people could read my mind, see what i went through, know how i feel. it would be so much easier then.
at leat ive given myself time to heal. right after i got my heart broken i tried jumping into dating without realizing i needed time to grieve. i also realized that it wasnt fair to the person i was seeing because they were looking for a relationship when i was no where near ready for one. my heart still belonged to the man i loved. and it wasnt ready to belong to anyone else. and so i waited a year and a half for my heart to slowly heal each day, each night. i cried and cried till my well of heartbreak tears was filled to its brim and could be filled no more. and then one day i put in my mothers carly simon cd and sang along to "I havent the time for the pain, i havent the room for the pain, i havent the need for the pain, not since ive known you" and i realized thats exactly the kind of attitude i needed to have. i also realized that feelings like those from heartbreak dont go away on their own.
if i didnt go out and start dating i would just mope and feel sorry for myself , but if i actually tried to see what else was out there in store for me, i might just find someone who could help heal my broken heart slowly. i thought it would be easy, but its not and its something i have to get used to. many guys will be frustrated with me because of how hard i am to read, but someone will try to get to know me better and be patient enough to see that it will just take a longer time for my heart to warm up. if i find him cool, if i dont find him even in the next 5 years, whatever, when it happens it happens. i just want to live life and be happy again. so yea my resolutions for this year? to eat healthier, not get a single speeding ticket, get good grades, figure out what carreer path im steering towards, and one i just decided on, to learn how not to be afraid to move forward.