im such a loser….

my horoscope for today:

If someone says something greedy today, let it go. It’s likely that the person never meant the statement that way. In any case, no one will be served by petty infighting. A light punch on the shoulder and it’s over.

ummmm, no, nobody said anything greedy today……?

my singles love horoscope:Cut yourself some slack when it comes to the whole love thing. You’re not a better person for being in a relationship, and you’re not a worse one for not being in one. Focus on other things.

man, why do these things always tell me what i aready know? *shakes head*

i do worry a lot about the whole love thing though. not about whether or not im in a relationship ( i could care less) but about everything else.  im a big scaredy cat? and you know why? this is why……(ill try to make it short)  i was a loser, he was popular, we became best friends, we did everything together. studied together, took our dogs for walks together, climbed a mountain together, saved baby ducklings together, had picknics together, etc…. i liked him, he didnt like me, then at the end of 8th grade, i moved to washington from our beautiful kodiak island. once i moved he realized he had cared about me all along and so he would visit me and i would go back to visit him, yet i always avoided talking about our feelings because once i found out he cared about me, i got scared. i was scared becaus our friendship was so great and if we became more, it would be ruined. but one day he finally cornered me and made me talk about how i felt. he didnt want to act on our feelings or have a relationship, but he didnt want us to act as if the feelings werent there anymore. he didnt want us to pretend. he didnt want a relationship because of our distance ( at least thats what he said) so i agreed to that. finally on the winter of my junior year, i went back to go to a dance with him on new years eve.  by this time he had moved from kodiak too, so he traveled there from fairbanks.  new years was the first night we ever acted as more than friends after 7 years of knowing eachother. it was weird for him to be holding me and be acting so sweet because it was so different from how we always just goofed off.  but yea, at midnight we had our first, and only, kiss. we were on a cliff above the ocean. the waves were crashing, the stars were twinkling and there were fireworks being put off everywhere. it was a night ill always remember.  so we acted like boyfriend and girlfriend until i left. he left me saying that he pretty much knew that no matter who we dated, we would most likely end up together. i pretended to be ok with that. but i really wasnt. i didnt want him to date other people.


i started to worry about how i had been neglecting and pushing away other guys who had wanted to date me over the years. i had pushed them all away because i was so focused on my best guy friend.  i was blind to everyone else, and so now i was scared. i thought "what if he does start dating other girls and he meets someone who he really does start to care for? then i will be left in the dark with nothing…" and so i dated the next guy who came along. i told adriel that it might become serious, because i thought that if he knew it could be serious, he would want me for his girlfriend. but instead, he got angry and got himself a girlfriend when he went back to kodiak to visit. at first i thought it was just a relationship he was having to try and make me jealous and it would be over when he left (because he didnt do long distance) but a week after he had gone back to fairbanks, i found out from a friend that he was still going out with that girl.  he and i had been talking since he got back and he never said a word to me.  i was so hurt. i didnt understand why after all these years of telling me long distance wouldnt work, he was suddenly going out with this girl long distance.  It broke my heart. in an act of desperation i e-mailed him telling him how desperately in love wit him i was, and i asked him all the questions i needed to ask. he only responded with a few short sentences of how he was sorry, he didnt mean to hurt me, and he would give me time to get over him if i needed it.  he had ripped my heart out , thrown it on the ground, and rubbed it into the dirt with his toe.  i had never felt so much pain before.  i had told adriel i loved him before, but he had never returned the three words i had always longed to hear.  i thought back through all of our history, and it seemed to me he had felt the same without saying it.  the walks in the rain, the long talks under the stars, the convorsation about how we both dreamed we were married and how we both believed that some day we really would end up married……all of the funny memories we had back when we played in the woods.  we had a long long history that now just seemed to be fading away.  i knew that this girl he was dating must be something really special if she could really replace all of that. to make him just leave turn his back on it and leave it all behind with me…. i wondered what it was she had that i didnt have….. i knew that every time id go back to kodiak, every tree, every place, would remind me of him. he was home to me…..it felt like all the years were just washed down the drain.
he knew me better than anyone. we used to talk every single day, e-mail constantly. we even wrote letters to eachother until the piled up, and then when we were able to see eachother we’d deliver them. 


after a month of not talking to him i decided it was better to at least be friends than nothing. i didnt want him completely out of my life. i realized then that he was really happy, and his new girlfriend was now going to be his best friend. i knew that was how it had to be. the person he truly cared about should be the one he calls the most, or tells things to first, or goes to for advice. she should always come first. slowly, i went from even being second, to just being one of those regular friends that he knows. he stopped calling, we barely talked online, and soon i couldnt even keep track of him. thats how it is now. i dont know how hes doing or what hes really up to and he doesnt know that about me either. i’ve become a memory. and so i decided it was about time he became a memory too. my pain has been such a burden to carry around. but is not something i can just toss aside. only time could kill it. i put everything that could possibly remind me of him away, so that id never come apon something that would make me think of a memory or him.  i kept myself busy all the time so my mind never wandered off.  i stopped calling him or e-mailing him. and i cried  one big last cry on new years. then finally after a year and a half, i started to date again, but it scared me shitless.i had never once had a boyfriend i went out with because i liked him, and i never had gone on dates before. i actually had never been asked on a date by a guy which is kinda weird. but right when i felt i was ready, it seemed suddenly this radar went up telling all guys that i was available haha. suddenly guys seemed interested!

the thing is though ive become so scared of being vulnerable that im scared to date a guy to the point where i really start to like them. if i develope real feelings for a guy, im then able to get hurt.  im sure many people have this feeling after a heartbreak so they understand how its really hard to let someone in. when im having a regular convorsation with a guy and we’re goofin off and having fun, its all good! but if he starts talking about dating and stuff, i get all nervous and shaky and  shuffle my feet and get all quiet. i have focused so long on just one guy that im definately not ready to become someones girlfriend.  i want to leave my options open for now. im definately looking for someone that could be my boyfriend,eventually, but i cant rush into anything. . even if i really did start to like a guy,  if the topic of being boyfriend and girlfriend came up, i dont know what id do. my mind is in this battle with my heart where my mind has so many reasons of why i shouldnt follow my heart, but then my heart feels that i shouldn’t follow my mind.  i get so stressed out about making that kind of decision. when i decided to open my heart and let my best guy friend in, that was a HUGE decision for me. it was the step between friendship and being more than friends.  do i regret it? no. i think he came into my life to teach me what love was like for the first time. what it was like to feel the best feeling in the world. and then he was there to teach me what heartbreak was. from now on i will be very careful about who i give my heart too, but even though im scared, i cant expect whoever that is to promise me anything. they cant promise me that they wont break my heart, which is the risk i guess id have to take. part of me knows that im going to get my heart broken a few more times in this lifetime, but right now i really dont want to have to go through that again. i need to find someone who is patient, because any guy who is interested in me will have to go slow with me. i will probably frustrate them, but i have to go at my own pace because i am still trying to heal. sigh. gosh i didnt think i was going to write this much. see what happens when i get all emotional? kudos to whoever actually read all of this. so there you have it, the short version of a sad love story. im such a loser…