:( or :) ??????
i dont know what i want between adriel and i ne more….
me and him were really really tense when i got back to kodiak and we couldnt act like ourselves cus i knew he liked me and he knew i liked him so it was hard to act like before as best friends. i hated the silence between us and it made me uncomfortable. well ne ways last night i stayed at his house and my friend jimmy was stayin the night there too cus adriel and jimmy are really good friends and jimmy was sick of us hiding our feelings from eachother so he brought me into my guest room i was stayin in and talked to me about adriel. then he asked me if i would run away if adriel came in to talk about his feelings like i usually did (im really shy) and i said no so he left and adriel came in and i was so scared i just wanted to run out but i just sat there and i couldnt even look at him. well ne ways he sat on the other end of the bed and it was silent for awhile and then finally he said
Adriel-"ok(sigh) u know how i like u right?"
hannah-yea…
adriel-" well i know u like me too so this is really hard for me….ive liked u ever since last summer and it seemed like no matter who else i might have had a slight crush on i always thought of u and came back to likin u" hannah-oh…
adriel-"well i dint want to say ne thing earlier cus i wasnt sure what i wanted. i kinda wanted to go out with u while u were here and break up wen u left cus it would be too hard for a long distant relationship"
hannah-well that kinda makes me feel like u dont really care and u just want to keep me as backup for the summer and get rid of me like some trash
adriel-"look i know it looks that way to u but im not meanin it that way. i mean like ill still like u but we just wont be like gurlfriend and boyfriend or else it would just be weird"
hannah-yea i know what u mean i agree, i understand now "
adriel- well i just feel like if were meant to be then it will happen u know?"
hannah-yea! thats how i feel exactly! but see i never wanted to open up to u cus i thought that if we had a relationship of ne sort and we ever broke up that our friendship would never be the same..
adriel-"well yea i feel that way too cus i thought that if we tried while u were here that after u left u would totally ignore me and ur one of my bestest friends and i cant even stand not talkin to u for a day or i go crazy!"
hannah-look adriel no matter what, even if we did go out and u broke up with me , sure id be hurt but id never just stop being ur friend. a life without u is just…..nothing! ne ways u know how i told u i did all this bad stuff and everything?and that i liked other guys? well it was all lies *looks embarrased* i just wanted u to get over me becus i thought that it just would never work u know, me liking my best friend and so i thought that if u got over me and went out with someone else then it would be easier for me to get over u.
Adriel-OMG u made me sooo mad wen u told me u did all that bad stuff! i was talkin to maggie about it on the phone *frowns but smiles*
Hannah-well i was so mad at myself cus it dint work and now matter what i did i couldnt get over u and i dont know y. well i kinda have this little thing i do about lookin at guys. i meet a guy and really get to know him i mean REALLY get to know him alot and then i look at the bad parts about his personality and the good parts and then i compare them(i usually look more at the bad parts to make sure) and then i see if they are really worth it.
Adriel-so u dont like ne one like that in washington?
Hannah-no…ive looked at many guys but so far ur the only one that comes out perfect *blushes*
Adriel-ooh im flattered!
Hannah-gosh well i feel really stupid now
Adriel-me too…
*silence for a minute*
Hannah-so….what now?
Adriel-i dont know
Hannah-well…do u think we should just pretend like nothin happened?
Adriel-is that what u want?
Hannah-well what do u think?
Adriel-well part of me wants to pretend like nothin happened but the other part wants to…..try….but see ur gonna be gone in a few days so i dont know if thats really right cus its gonna be kinda weird ya know what i mean
Hannah-no not really
Adriel-well lets just pretend like nothin happened but not pretend like nothin happened
Hannah -huh? how?
Adriel-well its like if 2 ppl like eachother but dont go out but they each know the other likes them ya know?
Hannah-so friends with benefits?
Adriel-no, no acting on feelings
Hannah-ok *sigh* well wanna watch a movie
Adriel-sure
——————————————-
AND THATS IT, he never….gave me…my first kiss 🙁 and after that convo we perty much acted lik the convo never happened and that we were just best friends. i mean yea we acted the same but he was different kinda. i mean we used to be able to wrestle and hug and sit next to eachother. after the convo we talked and acted like friends and stuff but he wouldnt sit next to me,he wouldnt look at me, and when he hugged me before i left it seemed like he dint want to touch me. he barely even gave me a hug 🙁 well he had his chance…and he lost it now. he let me go. yea sure i beleiv that if were meant to be then were meant to be but if we had feelings for eachother at that moment then y werent we meant to be then? y did he want to pretend like nothin happened and let me go? i guess were just always gonna be friends and nothin will ever happen between us. o wells i guess its for the best. i wonder how im supposed to get over him. gosh i shouldnt have told him i cant get over him cus now he probly thinks he can just do ne thing with ne gurl and ill still like him so he can have me as a backup ya know? i need to just let my feelings drop but i cant figure out how cus if i try to avoid him he calls up askin y im not online ne more and if i say i dont feel like talkin then he knows something is wrong and he bugs me till i just make up somethin that could be botherin me and then he thinks everythign is alright and were friends again when all i really want is time away from him to get over him!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH get my drift? well maybe not. im really hard to understand sometimes but thats ok cus sometimes i dont even understand myself. sigh.