ive made up my mind…….

gosh ive been so sad lately,im so lonely for love i cant stand it, but ive made up my mind.love will never work for me cus i will just end up gettin hurt no matter who i go out with. i say i love adriel, but im starting to think….maybe i just THINK i love him even tho i say i do. maybe theres no such thing as love at this age,nobody at this age could possible understand, me and adriel agree with that cus we talked about it a couple days ago and it made me realize that i had to get over him cus he doesnt love me and even tho i think i love him ii dont love him ,maybe its just a silly thing to chase after somethin i know i will never have, and then wen i think about it, even if i did have his love i wouldnt know wat to do with it, id be too scared about him crushin my heart to peices and id run away from it all.u could call me a scaredy cat ,but i just dont take chances. and thats my problem,i always have the "what if" in my mind. i can never let things just be. *sigh*

i couldnt take it ne longer so wen i talked to adriel on the internet i made up a name of a guy that i pretended goes to my school and told adriel i wanted to get to know that guy better and take him to the 9th grade dance. i probly gave him a hint that i was over him, but im not…..but its only for my good. i need him to think i dont love him ne more so even if he did still like me he wouldnt continue too. i need him to like someone else in order for me to let go.

i dont want to go out with ne one right now, and not in a long time. i think ill be ready wen im not afraid to love someone and i think that might be wen im in college or somethin. or maybe ill never get rid of that fear. im confusing myself i dunno. i just hope ill find the right one for me someday. i just know that even if i did have the right one right now it wouldnt work out, because of me……cus im scared to get hurt. well i guess thats just how its gonna be unless something happens in my life which gives me a different way of thinkin about love. gosh all i do is jibber jabber on and on. ill shut up now.

byebye for nowsys

Hannah