Snow White!!

I just got done watching Snow White and the Huntsman at about 5 in the morning and my god did they rip off so many movies. I’m going to put spoilers in this so don’t read if you haven’t seen it and care to. Really though, you know what’s going to happen and no matter what I say it wont really ruin it for you.

So my big issue was ripping off Princess Mononoke. You changed the fairies. That’s it. Everything else was exactly the same except in Princess Mononoke the Elk dying is the entire point of the movie. Snow White made it a stopping point to make Kristen Stewart more awesome which is like infinity kinds of fuck you. How Hayao Miyazaki hasn’t sued them yet is past me. He probably doesn’t want to admit that his art got ripped off by Hollywood hacks.

Charlize Theron was awesome in that movie, she really sold the role and I bought into it plus she’s sexy when she’s a bitch. She wasn’t just a bitch either. She was cold and vindictive and I loved it. Making her suck young girls hearts out like a Death Eater is dumb. Eat their hearts out, literally. It creeped me out when she ate the birds heart. In reality I know that showing her zombie style over someone would’ve spoiled the atmosphere but not that much…don’t do it like Harry Potter…drain their blood into a cup and use it like a marinade or something.

Chris Hemsworth is a sexy bastard. Charlize and him made that movie watchable…He’ll never be a favorite actor of mine but he helps things and I love every movie I’ve seen him in….except this one…The Avengers, Cabin in the Woods, Thor, Star Trek (short but sweet) are all awesome….He’s a good actor but I think his looks are 90% of that. What the fuck is his accent though? If he was trying to pull off Scottish then Sean Connery must be dead.

Ian McShane and Nick Frost as dwarves messed with me. I’d rather have people I don’t know as the dwarves…and just make them real dwarves. Pulling Lord of the Rings shit in this movie does not work. We have the technology, we can make them stronger, faster….smaller. Fuck off man. Ian McShane shits Little Miss Tuffet for breakfast, turning him into mini me is a mind fuck. What the fuck is Nick Frost doing with a twig tumor sticking out of his ear? He’s pretty dwarfish…it bothers me that spell check didn’t underline the word dwarfish…already, did he really need an ear penis? What am I saying…he probably insisted on it…

Who is not going to rip off Hero with the rain of arrows scene? I don’t fault them for it because they half assed it but still…stop ripping that off. Everyone thinks of Hero when they see it too…it’s not just me. Your movie just got compared to Hero because you did that and guess what? Hero wins. It always will. Two Trebuchets do not provide tank like fire on incoming horses. Being dickish on that one but it’s true. Shit don’t work that way.

What’s the name of that other movie they ripped off….oh yea, Snow White. I’ll admit, I like the Twilight movies. I like rainy movies and the dopey love they have for each other strikes a chord in me. Kristen Stewart as Snow White even works. She has that look about her and I realized she either has gorgeous eyes or gorgeous contacts. She’s still retarded. Her making the I smell a fart face just makes me wish poop hit her in the face whenever she does it. That would make sense to me. Make the face, get hit by poop. The world turns. If Zooey Deschanel didn’t turn into a faux hipster douche then I’d say she should’ve played Snow White but hey…I’d probably take the money too.

What else do I want to rant about instead of thinking about things…? Die Hard is an awesome movie to watch when you’re really tired…that not really a rant but….eh. I lost my steam. I can only be so mad at something. Not very clever writing, inventive obsidian creatures, dwarves, knockout mushroom gas…I just needed a dragon and a teletubbie. Is that so much to ask for?