Surreality

I have to be more careful.  I ignored all the signs.  And yet, I’ll never know the answer.  Was she real?  It might be better that she wasn’t, knowing her fate.  How was it possible that someone whom I had never seen knew EXACTLY the kind of things I want in a woman, without really asking.  Like a sixth sense.  

I won’t lie.  It hurts.  And I’m not even sure I’m mad.

Because there’s still a chance my friend might be wrong.

Is this what it comes down to?  That my dream girl was a creation, not someone who really exists?

Will anyone ever match that?

One person won’t, so why do I still pine for her?

Why does she still make me miserable?  Through no fault of her own, of course.  She’s one of the nicest, most considerate people I have ever met.  And that’s why it’s so damn hard to be mad at her.

Casi made me forget her.  I didn’t think that was possible.  And yet, she made it possible.

That’s why I knew Casi was my dream girl.

And yet, here I am back to getting caught up in her smile, her eyes, her cheeks.

Some people I admire, a few people I lust after, but her, it’s both and neither.  At the same time.  Somewhere inbetween.  She reminds me of one other from my past, in particular.  That was murder.  She faded away, and that was for the best.

I’m tired of losing good friends like that.

And she is an amazing friend.  In a world where I don’t have many good ones.

And that’s why I don’t  want to lose her.  Except it’s agony sometimes.

And talking to her is useless.  I think.  It won’t accomplish anything.

Trying to avoid her, of sorts.  I’ve done it before, it didn’t accomplish much, but I felt it might be worth something.  At least a clearer head for a bit.  Maybe.

But I keep ending up hanging with my friends.  And those friends include her.  And it’s kinda awkward.  And uncomfortable.  But she makes it hard to push away.  She’s like a siren.  She knows the Jamesy manual better than most.  Granted, it involved me telling her a good deal of it (unlike Casi), but she remembers enough of it, along with a knack of knowing the exact right thing to say or do to me.  It’s a gift.

I don;t know whether to "keep" avoiding her.  It doesn’t even look like an avoidance.  I haven’t texted her in almost two weeks, which is how I usually communicate with her, but I’ve hung out with her twice in that span, so I don’t even know if she notices the text embargo.  And last time I did this, it lasted a month and change, and I don;t think she noticed, or if she did, she didn’t say anything about it.

Maybe I should just talk to her again.  When boundaries are set in a one on one interaction, it is actually quite pleasant.  She’s different in person.  Around others.  And it’s a tough balance.  I like seeing her, I really do.  But it hurts.  A lot.  Not sure what to do here.  I don’t think I will be happy as long as she’s too close in my life, but Casi would have proved that null and void.  I just don’t think I will be happy until I find my match.  Or maybe just until I find someone to screw.  Maybe it’s as simple as an instinct.

I don’t know.