Friday Morning been very depressed

It has been a while since I last wrote. I just haven’t been feeling up to writing. I guess I am still depressed and suffering from anxiety. I don’t have any reason to be depressed because everything is going good. I think it is a chemical imbalance in the brain or something. I just get depressed. I’ve been letting myself go down the tubes my not showering or taking care of myself. I feel really bad about this and I’m getting depressed about being depressed.

One of the things that worries me to death is ending up in a group home or nursing home. I keep thinking this is in the cards sometime in the near future. I can prolong my independence by keeping taking better care of myself.  So the answer is take a shower every day.  But I get so depressed it is a real struggle to do simple things. I don’t seem to have any desire or real motivation. It is like I don’t care when I get in this state and I  tell myself come and let them take me away.

I look back on my life and it seems that I have always been depressed. I had a lot of problems in high school. I remember first seeing a therapist at age sixteen. I had at least two suicide attempts. The first one happened in the 70s I drove to work and and parked my car. I sat in my car. I had a bottle of pills in the car. I started taking them. I don’t know how many I took but it was a lot. The second happened in the 90s. I was stranding in the Market Street bridge late one night yelling my fool head off. I started to yell and cuss at the world. I think I wanted to jump in the river. Steubenville cops came and they took me to a hospital.

I remember being in the hospital for a few days. Then they sent me to Healthways in Weirton, Healthways had a CRU back then. I was sent there for  a few days. Eventually they helped me get on SSI. I was able to leave a bad environment and get my own place. But even then I still had bouts of depression. They were so bad I would end up in the hospital and back to the CRU. I had to go to this Day Treatment program and I hated every minute of it. But I stuck it out for three years and stopped going.

I still had problems. I still got depressed and had suicidal thoughts., I would end up in the  hospital. I lost count of the number of times I’ve been in the hospital and the CRU.  Last month was really bad. I probably should have gone to the hospital. But they closed down the psych wards up here. They would have shipped me down to Sharp. I have a great fear of that place and that is the last place I wanted to be. So I toughed it out

I thought I was doing better when we got back together. I was feeling very good for a few days. Then the depression came back. I was letting myself go down the tubes.I had a good talk with  my caregiver the other day. I told her I think it is the depression and anxiety She said she was concerned. She noticed that I haven’t been showering or taking care of my apartment. I said I think it was the depression. I remember saying that everything could be going great but I would still be depressed. Dealing with this shit makes me feel exhausted. I apologized said i will try harder The least I can do is shower every day.

In addition to depression anxiety has been bothering me. I’ve been feeling very anxious the last few days. There is no particular thing that makes me anxious. Well there is one thing that is bothering me. I am worried about finances. I keep thinking that I will run out of food and wont have money for groceries.  Also been having a lot of trouble with my phone. I keep missing calls. I have been looking at landlines on Amazon and Harriet Carter. I kept thinking i will have to use my credit card to buy a phone. I really can’t afford to use the card but I was thinking I do need a phone. To buy or not to buy was tossing around in my head.  I’m really trying very hard to stay within a budget this month. but I kept thinking I could buy that phone from Amazon just to have a back up phone in case the one I have goes bad. I was looking at it yesterday and kept saying to myself I want to place the order I need a phone. But common sense prevailed and I didn’t buy it. This alone was causing a lot of anxiety.

I keep thinking that my number one goal is to pay off the credit card. Right now I owe $588.53  I just looked at my account and found out that they are charges me a total of ten dollars in  interest fees. I keep thinking  that if  I send them 80 a month and only use the card for Open Diary I will pay it off in seven months. This is the goal. In order to stick to this plan I can’t be buying shit online. I can’t be buying phones or books. I can’t use to card to order from Fox’s I must  stick with a plan.  I kept thinking about this when I was looking at phones.  This made me decide to stick with the budget. Paying that credit card off is my top priority right now