12/26/2012

It’s absolutely terrifying when you’re unsure if your PhD supervisor really knows what he’s doing. I guess that’s what happens when you decide to work on something the lab has virtually no expertise in (this begs the question of why I even joined this lab, but that’s a story for another day).  I need to be better about soliciting advice from other faculty who do have the expertise I need, but I’m acutely embarrassed about even bringing up my project to them. Which is a terrible, terrible sign, I know! I like the overall questions I’m asking, but the approach we’re taking seems horribly inadequate at times. And I know it’s my project, and my responsibility to come up with better alternatives, but..apparently, I’m just. not. smart. enough. 

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the opportunity to think for myself; I truly do, it’s what drew me to science in the first place. I just wish I had a bit more guidance and sound advice so that when I give a talk in front of an entire department, I don’t feel so completely on my own!!

There’s a paper that came out a few years ago on how to choose a good scientific problem. It states, among other things, that "a good project draws upon your skills to achieve self-expression." I cannot agree with this more. The parts of my project that feel like they come from me, are what keep me going. The rest make me feel like a sleezy used-car salesmen, always trying to pull one over on somebody. 

I hope one day soon I can fully make this project my own. 

"At the moment of greatest difficulty, something beautiful is waiting to be born."

And if I can’t make it happen? Then I’ll slap some crap together, pray they let me graduate, and move on with my fucking life.