summertime and the livin’s e-

I gave lab meeting on Monday, and since then I’ve sort of mentally checked out. Which is bad because I haven’t in any way secured my position in the lab I’m thinking of joining instead of this one. I don’t even know if they’re still looking for students. Because I’m awkward and haven’t kept in touch and spend hours pouring over a 3 sentence email to make sure it doesn’t sound "weird." 

I’m not sure why this place wasn’t a great fit. In part, the dice were loaded from the start.  I liked my first rotation. Hell, if I hadn’t been so actively recruited by this other lab, I may not have done a second one. I agreed to give it a try mostly to avoid the discomfort of shooting down someone who seemed so interested (an interest that both flattered and terrified me, because I knew that it would eventually become clear to everyone, just how average I really am). I did not want to like this rotation, because it would complicate things. I wanted choosing a thesis lab to be an easy decision that I’d never have to think back on and wonder "what if I had chosen differently?" I don’t know what that makes me – cowardly, closed-minded?  

Regardless, things are not as clear-cut as I had hoped they’d be. Sure there’re things I dislike. I hate commuting to our collaborators’ lab. HATE IT. My boss/PI is pretty "hands on" and having him around all the time stresses me out; I don’t like having to feign excitement about our new live-imaging system when it’s 6 pm and all I really want to do is go home and eat because I hadn’t had time for lunch today. My co-workers occasionally annoy the crap out of me. I have not become engrossed in the literature surrounding the topic we work on, despite the constant stream of papers my PI sends my way (that I feel guilty about not wanting to read). These are major issues. BUT. I have learned a ton in my 6 weeks at this lab, much of it directly from my PI, who truly enjoys the mentorship aspect of his job. And I get to tag along and interact with patients when he’s on clinic duty. He would make a fantastic advocate when it comes to thesis committees and recommendation letters. I’m not saying the PI from the other lab I’m considering wouldn’t be helpful in these matters as well, but he’s just..a little harder to read. As are the rest of the members of that lab. Finally, I have a ridiculous amount of space and resources all to myself in my current lab, whereas the previous one was a bit cramped. Sigh. I think a weighted pros and cons list in excel would bring some clarity.
 

The summer’s flown by, and looking back, much of it hasn’t been pleasant for me. I guess I’m not the adventurous, see where life takes you next kind of person. I need a fucking plan, and I’m uncomfortable not knowing what my next step will be. Add to that some personal problems with J (that I won’t get into now) and you get a craptastic 2 months. It’s a real shame. I’m in my mid-twenties which are supposed to be kind of glorious. So it is time for me to get my act together and get out of limbo so that things can start looking up again.