My relationship is dragging me down

Which is what happens when the one you care for is profoundly unhappy. And I don’t know how to make it better. In fact the last time I tried we got into what I’d consider one of our biggest arguments in the history of our 3+ year relationship. He called me coddled. Basically I can’t understand where he’s coming from. At least he had the decency to say he wishes it stays that way. I don’t like playing "I’m worse off than you." I don’t need to feel bad about doing OK in my life. I don’t need to feel bad that I had parents looking out for my future, whereas he did not. I don’t need to feel bad that I’d thought about my future and prepared for it, and knew what I was getting into. I don’t need to feel bad that I had more opportunities. 

And he denies it, but the next logical step in his thinking lands me and my problems in the land of Trivial. Didn’t do well on your boards? Who cares, you’re still going to be a doctor. I hate how he thinks I’m going to up and quit on the research aspect of things any day now. He thinks that’s gonna be just fine by me. That’s not a real failure at all. Seriously? 

Saying shit like that puts more distance between people than being in different states ever could.

And it makes it difficult for me to be supportive, even though I want to be, and I’m trying. 

A big selfish part of me wants him to suck it up or do whatever he needs to do so he can be happy again, and so I can stop having to deal with this. And by deal with this I mean what? 

I don’t enjoy large chunks of our conversations anymore. They leave me unhappy and unsettled. Maybe I need to realize that there’s truly nothing else I’m supposed to be doing besides listening. And that silence is an adequate response. I’m just so god damn tired of banalities like "that sucks" and "I’m sorry baby." I can’t imagine how he’s not.

It’s been worse since I started grad school. Much worse. I have trouble with these kinds of transitions in general – I need the pressure and rigorous scheduling of school to stay on top of shit. But it doesn’t help hearing someone put down what you’re doing, call your profession the worst in the world. I’m not supposed to be jaded at this point in my career. I’m sorry if you are. But I need to be excited about research and ideas, and learning new techniques and all the creative possibilities and the thrill of discovery. Don’t ruin this for me.  

So that’s what’s been up. 

That and I’ve been smoking a shit ton of weed. Which could be a problem or a temp solution. Can’t quite tell yet.