mid-April

One entry a month – weaksauce, I know, but it’s all I can manage, because I’m busy and writing here is not always therapeutic.
 
I spent Spring Break in Baltimore, playing house with J. Our cats met, which was an interesting, and slightly traumatizing experience. My cat, FB, was fairly aggressive the first few days; lots of growling and hissing, but she eventually calmed down and was downright friendly by the end of the week. Unfortunately, just as my cat was chilling out, J’s cat, DD, realized she’s actually the bigger one and decided it was OK to smack FB around every once in a while. Not cool, but not a big deal either, as FB was clearly not scared. So while neither cat was completely comfortable, they tolerated each other well enough towards the end.     

It was a fun week, exactly what I needed. J felt bad about having to work, but I knew ahead of time he couldn’t take time off, and was ok with that. It gave me the chance to study for Boards and meet with old college friends during the day, then spend evenings and weekends with him.

I studied at the undergrad library a few times. It felt strange to be back there and not recognize a single person. But other than the people, not much had changed in two years. The campus was as beautiful as ever, and on one particularly nice day, I took a long walk through my old haunts and secret smoking spots. Ahh nostalgia.

I hung out with C once, but had mixed feelings about our encounter. The plan was to get high and belt out the chorus of God Bless America, as was our tradition back in the day. The plan did not include C’s 7 year old daughter being home at the time. But all of her friends were grounded, so home she was. We spent some time playing with her, and I would have been fine to leave it at that, but C insisted that we "get our patriotism on." So we left her daughter playing games on my cell phone, and smoked a few bowls in C’s upstairs closet. I realize at this point this may scream child-neglect, but you’ll have to take my word for it that C has a ridiculous tolerance, so a few bowls doesn’t impair her in any way.  For example, she had no problem helping with homework then preparing a full home-cooked meal. I, on the other hand, was seriously f*cked up, which is what happens when you don’t smoke for an entire year. Fortunately, having no short term memory actually makes playing with a 7 year old more enjoyable. But man was I paranoid about something bad happening to her on my watch. Everything turned out fine, if you don’t count my having hit a new low that night. C called about hanging out again a few days later, but I said I was busy.  

The rest of my break was far more wholesome. I met with D for coffee and grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s. We talked about girly things like boys and relationships. She’s coming to terms with the G breakup, but isn’t quite there yet in my opinion.  Anyway, we talked about long-distance difficulties and I confessed, for the first time to anyone, that I’ve been having some feelings for a boy at school. It was wonderful to get it off my chest. It’s just a silly crush, like the one I had on R last year (although a touch more intense), and I know it’ll pass. It’s just that..school is stressful, and even when you have someone on the line listening and making an attempt to commiserate, certain things just don’t hit home the way they do with a classmate. There’s an instant powerful connection. We can bitch to each other and have inside jokes about professors and spends hours sitting side by side studying and laughing and sharing junk food. And then I start doing that Thing were I compare J to him, every time J does something to put me off in the slightest way. And of course it’s irrational b/c I really don’t know this boy that well (though he does seem like a decent person, and we have a lot in common). I would never do anything with another person while I’m in a relationship, but I notice feelings of disappointment when I show up to our carrels and he’s not there, or when I see him talking with another girl. It’s not something I can help, and to be honest I wish I wouldn’t feel this way, but I do. I’m not leading this boy on in any way, nor do I think he’s romantically interested in any way. We just spend a lot of time together, and enjoy each other’s company. At school. As friends. At any rate, just talking about this to D helped diffuse the situation for me. She pointed out that what J and I have is rare, and that really hit home with me, because I truly believe it is. For the first time in a while I felt eager to work on our relationship because I value it, and not out of guilt or some sense of duty. I don’t know how long this feeling will last because being in the thick of a real relationship is hard, whereas hanging out with someone you know very little about is easy…

But yeah. It’s ok for me to have other relationships, just as long as they’re not placing distance between me and J. Spending the week with him certainly helped in that respect. We had a wonderful time, despite the fact that we didn’t do anything too exciting. We saw a production of Death of Salesman. I read the play a long time ago in high school and remembered being quite sympathetic to Willy Loman, but this time around, I had no patience for the man. Sorry, but anyone who thinks they can get by on solely on being well-liked, instead of doing hard work, kind of deserves to fail. The acting was really good though. Aside from that, we went through a couple of episodes of a documentary about New York (it may have been called "New York") which was also surprisingly good, given that I’m not a bid documentary fan. 

My last weekend there we went camping with my friend V up in Harper’s Ferry, West Virginia. It was beautiful, but ridiculously cold at times. Neither J nor I had any camping gear, but thankfully we got to stay in "tree houses" that had bunk beds with mattresses, and most importantly at least some insulation from the wind. Still got bloody cold at night though! I love camping. It’s something I never really did much as a kid (not sure my parents understood the point of the activity, and even if they did my mom would have been too paranoid to let me go). I might look into purchasing some decent gear and explore places around here with my more outdoorsy friends. 

There’s tons more to update on, but it’s already way past mid-April and I’ll never get past this entry if I attempt to catch up here. Off to eat Ramen and watch Twin Peaks.