long weekend = long entry

J’s back in Baltimore and somehow it feels like this long weekend never even happened. It’s a cliche, but time just flew by. I met him at the airport Friday night and we rode back on the Metrolink, cuddling and listening in as some thuggish-looking individuals offered to pay an old man peddling DVDs weed for his goods. It was good to be able to lean into him, and to feel his hand caress my thigh. 

The night before, he took a semi-playful jab at me for being late the past couple of times he flew in. It was an odd moment because my first instinct was to remind him that he too has been late on plenty of occasions. But I didn’t do it. Not because I wasn’t up for a confrontation just then, but because I realized I was willing and capable of letting him have this one without harboring any resentment. It felt SO strange! It reminded me of a story he had recounted about us a while back.  We were in his car, snaking down Wyman Park Drive on our way home from work. And we were fighting. It was a silly fight in retrospect, but at the time we were both rather worked up about it. He thought I was being completely irrational (looking back, there may have been some truth to that, but I was..emotional). He was so fed up (he later told me), that had it been anyone else he would have pulled over and straight up told her to get out of the car. But it was me, and he didn’t. He says that’s the moment he first realized he loved me. The first time he told this story, I was touched, but perplexed. I wasn’t sure how this fit in with my idea of love (and I’m still unsure), but I do understand now exactly how he felt.

I had cooked shrimp-stir fry earlier, so we ate in, searched the Riverfront Times comments section for the angriest readers, made love and went to bed. Saturday was a real "fist-shaking," day, meaning that half of our plans fell through. I misread the hours of operation for the Jewel Box, a little greenhouse in Forest Park we’ve been meaning to visit for months now, so we walked for 40 minutes only to arrive at a locked gate. It was a beautiful morning for a walk in the park, however, so we weren’t all that disappointed. We walked the 40 minutes back home, and for breakfast I cooked a cornmeal dish that’s eaten with sour cream, cottage cheese and feta. J liked it, but we had a ton of leftovers since I made entirely too much. Then an impromptu love-making session, followed by an hour or so of lounging.

We had plans to see Black Swan at 4:00, but the Ravens were in a playoff game with the Steelers that day and J very tentatively asked if we could possibly watch the game at a nearby bar and catch the 7:00 show instead. It was sweet. I could tell he was dying to see this game, and I had no objections to grabbing a beer, so we popped into Bar Louie. I’m not a huge football fan, but even I found it frustrating to watch the Ravens lose after leading in the first half. Fist-shaking moment number two. The game ran surprisingly late (how the hell does a 15 min quarter wind up lasting 50 min!?), and we made it to the theater right at 7:00. Black Swan was sold out; fist-shake. I felt the slightest tinge of resentment at J for this, but I couldn’t quiet call it his fault since I too wasn’t expecting this many people to show up for a movie that’s been out for weeks now. We went home since neither of us were really dying to see anything else.

Back at my apartment we dozed off for a while and then went to Bridge, a bar downtown, for my friend’s birthday. In previous visits, it never seemed like J was particularly excited to hang out with my friends. In fact, he’d only met a few of them in passing. So I was a bit anxious about asking him to come. But he agreed, and I got to parade him around in front of everyone. He even agreed to come out to a club (Pepper) with us afterwards, and we danced until almost 3:00 in the morning. Not going to lie, the club is not exactly J’s scene. He was such a hands-off dancer, it made me feel self-conscious to be hanging all over him with barely any reciprocation. I don’t think he’s familiar with the concept of grinding! Which shouldn’t be that surprising, since he probably hasn’t stepped foot in a club in about 10 years. But he came, and stuck around on the ridiculously crowded dance floor with me, with zero complaints. As much as I wish he was more into the dancing, I really do appreciate him coming. After I had my fill, we took a cab back to my place, made love and passed out (no fist-shaking here!).  

Sunday was my birthday. That morning we finally made it to the Jewel Box. We were expecting a lush, dense rain forest inside, but the entire middle section was bare, filled with seats for a wedding instead of plants. Basically, the vegetation only ran along the edges of the building. What a crock! The only good thing about it was the fact that we were in and out in less than 20 minutes. This left plenty of time to get to the Ethiopian restaurant I was having my birthday lunch in. Yeah, I’d moved past my desire for a surprise party, and even scrapped the idea of having T arrange something for me. Instead, I invited about a dozen of my closer friends to have lunch with me and get to know J a bit. It was a great turnout. The food took a while to arrive, but that made it all the more delicious when it finally came. I did worry about J being bored with my friends, or in turn them being bored with him. I couldn’t help it. I view these people as different reflections of myself, and I act differently depending on whom I’m with. So when everyone comes together like this, I’m simply not sure which self I should be. It’s probably not healthy to be fragmented in this way, but I’m making efforts to integrate. My biggest fear is that I am somehow not my best self around J; that (at the risk of sounding conceited) my sense of humor and wittiness and appreciation of music and literature are all falling on deaf ears. But I don’t know if that’s the case. I do know that there can’t be any talk of engagement or putting careers on hold before I figure it out.

Despite my anxiety, everybody got on well at lunch. Oddly enough, J bonded most with RE, and not R or D, who were my closest male friends present. To be fair, RE reached out the most to J and really made an effort to talk about things other than school. Aside from the fact that R and D sat on the opposite side of the table from J, they’re both also on the shy side, so that didn’t work out as well. Which is fine. He has his own friends. He doesn’t need to be besties with mine. I need to stop obsessing over this.

Food coma set in after lunch, and I conked out for about an hour while J caught up on sports and news. Then we stopped by Starbucks to pick up my free birthday drink. In the evening we took another shot at Black Swan, with better luck this time. I thought the movie was very good, but not great. Hype inevitably ruins these things for me. I guess it was a bit too over the top for my taste, and also a touch predictable. But I really enjoyed Natalie Portman’s performance. 

I always feel sad and pressed for time, almost desperate for something on our last night together. We had a good conversation about relationships. He flattered me, not for the first time, for being perceptive whenit comes to these things. I love hearing that, but I worry it’s making me over-confident in my ability to "read" people and understand them. I feel as though I can’t ever slacken my scrutiny and analysis or people’s real motives will slip away from me. Then the world will become unpredictable and chaotic. Which, of course, it already is. But I’m good at deluding myself that I know, when in reality I only make educated guesses. And these may not be good enough, because people are capable of anything. But I’m coming off more paranoid than I intended.  

He mentioned that a job in industry is not completely off the table, which gave me a glimmer of hope that he can still wind up here even if he doesn’t get a faculty position. I suggested that the next time he’s in town he should chat up SM, a professor here who’s also a friend of his boss. Hint Hint. That’s all I could muster in terms of The Talk I planned on having. He told me thinking of the future only makes him feel the stress and pressure more acutely. What could I say to that?

We made love one last time, set the alarm for 5:00 am and fell asleep in a heap of blankets. It was still dark out when we rode the Metrolink back to the airport. Tears welled in my eyes, though not as many as on previous visits. I take this as a positive sign of adjustment. We lingered in each other’s arms at the airport, separating briefly then drawing each other back in for more kisses. Finally we let go. I stood by as he disappeared into the security line, then walked out into the cold St. Louis morning.