Digs

The place I went to look at ended up not being the biggest dive I’ve ever had to live in, but it isn’t much better than my living space during my undergrad years.

Its 7 guys living in an older house with 8 bedrooms.  Basically I have my own bedroom and share the rest of the house.  Sort of like the set-up I had in the fraternity, except not nearly as fun.

This creates its own difficulties though – 7 guys competing for one stove, one set of pots and pans, etc.  It’s adequate, but not much more.

That’s it.  My place for the time being. 

I ended up going over to our her place last night to eat dinner and talk.  All of our conversations boiled down to the idea that neither of us think that this can really be fixed.  Too much has happened, and there is really no going back.  We will be attending counseling, at least separately for now, but to me it just feels like we are only doing it because it’s our duty to try everything possible so that when it doesn’t work we can’t say that we didn’t try.

I don’t know, the inevitability of this ending is crushing me right now.  I’ve always found it odd how the smallest things can send me into a rage – someone driving poorly, a misplaced tool, burning dinner.  Yet the biggest things – the death of someone close to me, being separated from the people I care about, witnessing the disintegration of a relationship that’s lasted nearly a decade…. these things just roll off of me.  It’s perplexing. 

It brings up an image of a dog I saw once.  He had a shock collar on, for an invisible fence.  He would get close, and it would beep to warn him, but rather than stopping, he would just hunch his shoulders, squint his eyes, lower his head and just go.  He knew it was going to hurt, he was never sure how long the collar would shock him, but he just bulled through.  That’s kind of what I’m doing right now – just readjusting my pack and pushing until something gives.  I don’t have a plan.  I don’t have a direction. 

Just go.

What a loaded sentiment.