sleepless in spokane

its what i am.
im so damn tired, but i just cant sleep.  i laid down around 1130 last night, and spent hours staring at the ceiling.
got up at 230, called the automated sub system and marked myself unavailable for monday.

theres a mason jennings song called "drinking as religion" from his "use your voice" album.
its been on repeat in my head for a while. 

shes out of town this week, having fun with friends.  im glad.  she needs it. 

ive been sitting on the couch burning my way through a case of weinhards blue boar ale thinking about everything.
i know that sounds broad, but really….. everything.  not just the infidelity, but the arrest, the changes that ive been through, the russian revolution and the napoleonic wars (reading war and peace, cant avoid it), happiness….. and why i seem to try and drive it away.

there was a passage in war and peace that specifically moved me….. in which pierre is being inducted into the masons.
"Beware of making any difference that may transgress against equality.  Fly to the succour of a brother whoever he may be, exhort him that goeth astray, lift him up that falleth, and cherish not malice nor hatred against a brother… forgive thy enemy, revenge not thyself on him buy by doing him good."

ive gone far afield of these ideals, the ones that were supposed to have such meaning to me.  the ideals of being faithful and true –
faithful to all those around me… to friends, family, love…….. to make myself worthy of their love.
true to those whose trust and love i have broken, to those i have maligned with self destructive emotions and actions.

most importantly, the word "and."  it isnt enough to be just faithful… one must be true as well.   to be faithful without being true, well, one can be faithful to any number of things without being true to the people who place their faith in you.
one can also be faithless and true to those around them.  the result is the same.  one hurts the people around them, as well as themselves.

to be faithful and true, to be deserving of the trust and faith freely given……
that is what i thought i was….
im not what i thought, what everyone else thought i was.

im going to go lay down and try to sleep now.
goodnight.

she just texted…. said she was trying to work through and to not give up on her.

im not giving up on her, i never will.
but im giving up on me.