Show No Signs

For years I dreamed of one of two things. First, that I could beat the counting down clock to the point when I was let go from my job by finding another job before that point arrived.

I felt the race. They kept telling us, "Don’t worry, none of your jobs are at risk" for a year while every few months chunks of people would disappear. They have been downsizing. I saw it. No, not because business was bad. They have been downsizing locally, while hiring globally. The company is on an upswing, but for a couple years they have been increasing their outsourced population. I may have been the only one with half a brain to realize this. My co-workers were mostly bottom of the barrel feeders.

In the event I couldn’t accomplish this first task, due to them catching me before I acquired another destination, I at least hoped to show them up in the "so sorry, thank you for your service, we have to let you go" meeting. I wanted to reveal no emotion, no shock. Show no signs of weakness. Disturb them with my complacency. Maybe jab them with my excitement to finally get away, like a prisoner pardoned. Possibly make them realize how shitty their life is considering they are stuck with LPS. Perchance, make them envy my luck.

As soon as I walked into that conference room, I failed my first goal. As I shook hands with the head of my department and then the HR representative, a female who shook my hand with the fear of catching a cold, I realized the time had come to employ the other plan of action. This is what all the mental training was for. Welcome to the battlefield.

"We are in the process of down-sizing and regretfully we are letting you go."

Letting me go. Even that statement sounds like a release from captivity. It’s like the Henderson telling Harry to go back into the woods, where he can be safe. Only, I do Lithgow’s honorable character a disservice by comparing his to the head of my department.

"Oh, okay," I said with such nonchalance one might have thought I misheard, thinking they told me another Tyler Perry movie was in the works.

The human resource woman went through the paperwork with me. I had dreamed up all this before. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the scenarios I played out in my head previously. It was now. I saw these papers in my imagined futures, but this was present. The pressure of the moment built and I felt the excitement tensing my muscles.

"Don’t fuck this up David," I said to myself. "This is it. Show them up. You are better. Show no signs of weakness."

Still, I couldn’t stop thinking about the pending Christmas presents, the recent rent that I could just very barely afford with this job, my inability to get jobs, and how much I don’t truly think I am better than anything. I stared at the stapled paperwork, zoning out, not hearing half what she said to me. Wait, 401(k)? I am still unsure what that is and what is does. What do I need to do about that? Shit, she’s moving on…

"Wait, sorry. I don’t really get how 401(k)’s work? I…"

"I know," she cuts me off with feigned sympathy and pity, thinking I’m so upset I can’t think rationally about details.

"Hey, I don’t need pity about this lady. I come from mental places you can’t even begin to sympathize or pity. This is nothing, I just need clarification, so don’t fake your corporate concern. Save your energy for the next employee." …is what I wish I said in some form. Instead, I just continued my inquiry about the logistics of 401(k). Not sure I ever understood.

My supervisor enters the conference room with the personal possessions I left at my desk: my glasses on top of a book. Poetically, it’s a book of Charles Dickens Christmas novellas. The idea of being handed a book with stories about miserly business people feeding off the backs of noble hearted working individuals during the Christmas season brought a discrete smile to my face. The heavenly irony was not lost, though I’m sure it was lost on all others present (except, very possibly, my supervisor, being fairly literate herself).

I never threw the dagger I imagined in past pre-creations. I never announced my pleasure upon leaving such a dreadful company. I never announced how I’ve been searching for a better job (which would be any job) ever since I was hired. At least I have the comfort of knowing I remained stoic (despite my hand shaking during a signature at one point, which I curse myself for intensely… "No, no no! David, they know now! They know this is having an ounce of impact on you now!!!!).

It ended,

We walked out of the conference room.

My eyes met the guy at the front desk. His eyes showed he knew what had just happened. I gave a casual salute to him, to say, "Though I am leaving, good luck to you, good sir." He nodded, as all good men would.

The very physically fit security guy, by the front door, who was always very friendly to me despite my social inabilities, said, "Hey man, see ya ’round."

He won’t ever see me around. But he has whatever love I have left in this weathered soul.

And that was it. There is no denouement.

 

And the wind began to blow and all the trees began to bend.
and the world in its cold way started coming alive.
and I stood there like a businessman waiting for a train.
and I got ready for the future to arrive.