Vissi D’arte

Time for a real entry that I don’t delete or privatize. And that I am at least partially sober while writing.

I just don’t feel like I have words to write. And I can’t stand the idea of putting out words that I can’t justify other people reading. In the past, I drew from a well of inspiration when I convinced myself my thoughts were important to put down. Thoughts flowed in some magic form out of my head. Just read back (which is often a bad idea) and I can’t imagine where a lot of those concepts or compositions came from.

But I guess that’s what it’s like being 30.

Yeah. Tomorrow I turn 30. I haven’t enjoyed birthdays in over 10 years. This one carries a bit more dreadful weight with it. I usually make entries private due to a repetitive depressing nature of the content. So I don’t want to wallow to much in my negative thoughts. But honestly folks, that’s pretty much all I find now. And that’s not hyperbole. I’m not 17 anymore. I seriously struggle to find positive thoughts about anything in the world. Again, working on restraining this from sounding too "down in the dumpsters". This is just the exposition for whatever I say after this.

Guess I will summarize details of life in a less vague, crude way than I have. It’s been almost three years since my ex-girlfriend of four years, Naomi, broke up with me. It’s been a little over a year since she got married. In about the same time, my brain hasn’t been right. It has been on a bad path for awhile, but it took a steep dive in March of 2011 after a short positive period. Ever since, I have lived in a perpetual state of dull misery. My eyes see a world with nothing to believe in, least of all myself. When this is what you see, it’s easy to understand how I can’t come up with anything valuable to write here or elsewhere.

For about a year and a half, I have been with a girl, Emma. For the longest time I didn’t call her my girlfriend because I didn’t feel that (see previous paragraph to understand that I don’t feel much about anything). After this long, it’s silly to continue not referring to her as that. So she is my girlfriend. But I am not in love with her. And many have and would say I am supposed to break up with her if I’m not in this for the full story. Thing is: I tried to before.

She asked, "So, you don’t want me around?"

I said, "Well, no, I still like you being around."

"Well then it’s dumb for you to make the choice for me. Whatever this is, it’s what I want."

I couldn’t come up with an argument against that. Other than she is 6 years younger and maybe I know better. But that felt like a egotistical thought. So we continued hanging out. And for me, I didn’t want her gone, because for one with very little in life, it’s nice to have someone around in the midst of the nothingness.The guilt still clings to the situation though, and I continually reconsider whether I am doing the right thing. But I am somewhat of a nihilist these days, so I always answer, "There is no right thing. There just is."

A situation happened with a friend about a year ago which cemented my brains demise. It was so exhausting and damaging, that I sincerely don’t want to go into it in any detail. I got tired of talking about it trying to exorcise it. I never fully understood it, but it destroyed me in some fundamental ways. And I believe all my relationships have suffered as a result.

As of two days ago, I do not have a home. I live on the floor of my mom’s computer room between boxes and clusters of random objects piled in here as storage. My former roommates/friends found other living situations. With my income (at a job which has risen my pay only 50¢ an hour in five years), it’s difficult to find a place I can afford alone in this area. So my future plan is nonexistent.

Okay. This is enough. This is bland, but at least not a complete rant, so I will keep it posted. And it sets the stage a little. But I am tired of describing myself.

That is a statement the old entry writer in me never would have felt. Maybe I can do an idea-based entry soon. This autobiography stuff doesn’t do.