Shake, Some Action’s What I Need

Okay. So I was drunk for that last entry. I don’t even remember coming up with that title or what it was supposed to mean.

Let’s try a real entry.

I was doing really good about a week back. Five months since she broke it off after four years (in case you don’t know, that’s how long it takes for someone to finally realize that you aren’t at all the sort of person they want a future with, that you aren’t successful enough, etc., even if you’ve been the same person that whole time… even though they’ve been saying they want to marry you for the past two years). Sorry, tangent within parenthesis. Back to point, after 5 months of misery and self-deprication and girls backing out on me one after another, things swung upward in my outlook. Then another girl bailed and it swung the self-esteem back downward.

It excited me to be improving so healthily and relatively quickly. A bit disappointing to be falling backwards. At least I am far from the horribly dark depression that swept through my soul the previous 4 months or so. That was a little scary, but I managed it better than last time. My friends helped more than I can express. They truly stepped up to the plate and put up with a lot. And now Shannon, Arun and I have our singles triumvirate of misery. I’ve become a stronger human being through this ordeal and I do believe I am much better off in the long run. Never beneficial to be with someone who you dedicate everything to and alter your lifestyle for, and yet who doesn’t even have the decency to want to know who you truly are. And that’s not a cut at her… just a comment on the reality of the situation and how it wasn’t right for me.

At this point, I’m just looking for any sort of affection or attention to boost the esteem a little, convince me that I am worth someone’s time, even if just momentarily. Which is shallow, sure… but man, I no longer worry about all that as much. If I’m going to be a little shallow right now, so be it.

I’ve been changing. And I think it’s good changing.