Burning Sun

I hope I haven’t made any mistakes in interpretation of vague words.

I made many mistakes when I was younger. I upset people. I hurt people. Mostly this was due to an overly zealous spirit burning with life and a desire to do great things for the world. I was naive and passionate. When I hit unfamiliar territories, I reacted instinctually… and often irrationally. I discovered scary parts of myself and of life in general. I demolished beloved cities in the wake of my uncontrolled passion. I wasn’t prepared for the strength of my own emotions.

In younger years, people seemed to develop the opinion that I was judging them. As best I can figure, this was due to my constantly wanting to make their lives better. Built into wanting to make someone’s life better is the opinion that their current life isn’t good… which I guess counts as a judgment. But I was never judging them personally by it. I just wanted so badly for happiness for everyone I loved. I just didn’t realize there were some things you can’t force.

I wanted so much to believe I could help everyone. That was my flaw: idealism. I felt like the boy in Empire of the Sun pumping the chest of his dead Japanese friend, repeating, "I can bring them back… I can bring them all back." I believed I could bring them all back. And it just caused resentment when they felt I was trying to change who they were. But all my attempts, I swear, came purely from wanting to rid others of their pain. And my failures were heavy weights on me.
 
I am getting somewhere with this.
 
Until very recently, I gave up on that belief. Well, I still don’t have it as strong… but I’ve rediscovered the power of these hands. The possibilities dreaming can afford.
 
I couldn’t go through this without learning the limitations of what I can do, however.
 
 
 
Nowadays, I don’t know what people want of me. I tend to do nothing when unsure of the most sensitive and proper action to take. I fear this may have the opposite effect… the conception that I’ve forgotten… or that the issue isn’t weighty enough to me to express. In reality, it matters so much, I don’t want to offend with any wrong step. Instead, I wait for them to show me what they want of me… otherwise, I might annoy them with my constant attempts.
 
With this, however, there is always that dreadful chance of miscommunication and misunderstanding.
 
I have never wanted to lose anyone. The thought of people vanishing from my life has terrified me since junior high. In all my disagreements and fights with those I love… never have I wished to be rid of them completely. Each relationship had needs and deserved specific attention. Sometimes limits were placed. Sometimes losses happened. But I have always wished to keep a place aside for everyone in my life. I have always wanted to work hard at any problem. I have always been open to coming to terms with another.
 
Regardless… if anyone ever wanted to cut me out… though I would never agree it was the best option and it would be the last thing I’d want… I would never refused them that decision. I’d just want them to know, before any lines were drawn… that no matter how much time went by… no matter how much age ravaged our bodies… a day would never come that I would not be there with open arms to welcome them back if ever they changed their mind. And from that day, I would ceaselessly dream of the day where I could see them again. There would be nothing but love in my heart in the day of their return.
 
I will always love those I have loved. My love is permanent and unconditional. It is always here. Until my day of eternal departing, my love will rage like the sun. I believe, even after, it may continue to burn.
 
And I just wanted you to know.