To Two Friends, Wrongfully Left Behind

I went to an old friend’s wedding yesterday. Monika Schulte. There I saw many old faces… some I haven’t seen in 8 years. And it was there my whole world got rearranged.

I had let time and stubborn decision wash away thought and memory. Last night, I was overwhelmed with the memory of these two girls, Monika and Vanessa, and how important they once were to me… and still are, no matter what time and distance has done. Sure, maybe I felt like there was more for my world than isolating myself within "our group" with them, that I wasn’t perfectly defined solely by my relationship with my good, responsible Christian friends. But those girls cared for me and treated me better than most in my life. That’s not meant as an insult to other as much as praise of their kind-hearted friendship and belief in me. My decision to leave them behind causes such sadness, thinking how much I’ve missed out on… but seeing their happiness in life and at seeing me brought more than enough happiness to compensate.

I loved them both deeply, and I don’t think I ever let myself realize that.

All this caused me to think back on so much of myself. And now, it has left me lost. I was a scared, weak boy. I knew so much less about what I was going through than I let myself consider. Leaving them was my first step onto an uncertain, frightening and stormy path (one not lacking many wonders, however). I look at myself now and compare it to my many past lives… and I can’t place myself within the gaps. And I don’t know what these girls would think of me now. Have I really gone so far away? Why have I not done more with my life? Did I really so successfully stunt my growth subconsciously (or consciously)? Why have I pushed so many away?

"Like a beast with his horn I have torn everyone who has reached out for me. But I swear by this song, and by all that I have done wrong, I will make it all up to thee."

For the first time in my life… I think I don’t know who I am.
And it’s kind of scary and lonely.

But away with the melancholy! Cheers for Monika and Joseph Morris! Their love was obvious, even to an outsider. May he make her happy for a lifetime… because if he doesn’t… *shaking fist*