To You If You Still Read This

I’m in a mood of fire. I thought forever what that last word should be. That word popped in my head. It made enough sense to me, but maybe not to anyone else. Anyways, I’m done trying to express this thought.

We tried to arrange getting together and talking awhile ago. It never worked out. I don’t know if getting together would have even helped in any way. I think it might for me… I’m scared that it wouldn’t for you. I’m scared this wound will never heal, even after so much time. That fear still reveals itself hauntingly in my dreams and waking life.

I guess what I want to say is I will forever be sorry for what I did to you. I’m sure I will never even know anywhere near the extent of what I did to you. Part of me wants to hear from your mouth what I did so I can suffer the poison myself, but maybe that wouldn’t be healing for either of us. I just know I committed something unspeakable. More than the actions alone. I think it’s only fair I know exactly what I did. And maybe tell you what I can comprehend of what I did and why. And I just want to be done with this negative division. It seems so wrong that something that once was ridiculously happy love became so painful and ugly. I just always feel communication is better. But you know better than I.

I know it’s something you might not care to hear or believe. But I have always cared about you deeply and still do. My love, no matter how perverse it was shown then, remains now and forever. This isn’t any form of romanticism or confession of undying love in hopes to retrieve anything from some long gone past. Merely a statement of fact of my desire for nothing but happiness in your life. I know it’s hard to remember me as much more than the brutal beast I became, but I hope you can remember enough to believe this love is true and honest… and "is not self-seeking." I am more than what I became… and my care is more than what was shown. To my dying day I will feel this.

I ask your forgiveness.

You are beautiful and strong and smart. One of the most amazing people I’ve ever known in my life (and I’ve known many amazing individuals). You are deserving of everything the world has to offer. I feel this stronger than almost anything my heart can feel. And that’s why it hurts so much to remember what I did to such a person. You have no obligation to forgive anything. But I ask it. At your feet. No cards up my sleeve. Just regret, shame and repentance. You were worth so much more than I gave. And I was too young and foolish.

I would like to talk about this more, now that we are older; I hate that this pain still sits inside of you, and me as well, I guess. I wish it could be purged. I’m not sure how someone like me was capable of such harm. But I hope it can be removed. You have assured me before that you are okay. And I understand you are living life and getting on, but I believe from words you’ve written in the past, something is still holding you back partially. I want you to feel free and secure to love and be loved again, to be vulnerable. There are men out there who can and will love you in all the ways you deserve. You just have to let them. Maybe you’ve already met them. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe you have learned to love again already.

I know other pain has been done to you since me. And I apologize for that, even without my involvement. Know that reading about what happened to you over there was one of the worst nights of my life. I wanted to fly over there immediately… and do something to the person… and I still don’t know what I would have done had I followed through.

I am at your service forever. Whatever you want from me, I will do.

If you ever want to talk about anything, I’ll be here. Whether now or 40 years from now. I will always be here. If you truly wish to forget about me as much as you can, even though I want to believe there has to be a better way, I will abide by that.