Couldn’t Drag Me Away

Oh my god. “Wild Horses” by the Rolling Stones just started playing…

Freedom is almost here. And with it, as usual, the dread of it’s arrival.

Today… tomorrow, whichever: Thursday, is my last day of classes before finals week. I was so wrapped up in staying afloat this semester, I lost the time to cherish it a little. And college is almost done. This summer, for the first time in over 16 years, I will not be involved in formal education.

I started this semester with the intuition that this was going to be a weird semester. “This semester will probably hurt. Plus it’s already got weird vibes jumping all around it.” This intuition was accurate, yet the weirdest part is probably that I don’t know what was so weird about it. For the first time, I lost a lot of my social life do to school, that was a first… but that’s not enough for it to be weird. I learned a lot, oddly, despite the crappiness of my classes overall: Feminist theories, my respect for science, swing dancing, significance of certain cities in the development of civilization, and so much about the Holocaust. I alway learn things each semester, but this semester I gained such a comprehensive/clear understanding of things that were very foreign previously (and that I didn’t really want to learn at all at first).

I learned to feel fondness again. Not romantically, haven’t relearned that yet, but a tenderness for individuals in their experiences. I’ll miss that Dangerous Girl if I don’t see her after this, just because for some reason I care about what happens to her.

Plus, I got to see Sheila and resolve things with her. After a swing dancing night this Tuesday, I might never see her again. She’s going abroad for spring semester and I graduate so the option of seeing each other on campus disappears… and we don’t really have a trend of seeing each other outside of school. So, very likely… Tuesday will be the last time I see her. That alone adds up to significance for this semester. It was perfect timing to have a class together and attempt resolution.

Jesus. Rolling Stones’ “I Got the Blues.” Beautiful.

My life beyond school shifted as well I think. This is probably the hardest aspect to qualify and measure. So much changed in myself and with those I know. And I don’t consciously know the change for either.

I influenced myself with a lot of new music. Took a disciplinary pause from smoking (still going since the end of August). Conducted a few experimental and disciplinary eating restrictions.

I think I became a slightly better person again this semester.