Little by Little

Realizations:

Last night–Got home, having left nanny job without eating dinner that I had prepared at son and daughter-in-law’s house because it was M’s day off work and wanted to get home and spend some time with him.  It works out that most nights I get home at my usual, around 7 pm, and he works until 10 pm, so when he has a day off, I like that we get to see each other while I am actually feeling awake!

To me, he did not seem talkative.  He poked his head in the kitchen and said hi, and then said that he would leave me to the cooking of our dinner, and went back to his computer.

I felt rejected.  Instead of realizing that, I reacted in anger.  I got sad and mad, and said I was going to go for a walk,  But then I recognized that I would be giving myself the opposite of what I wanted, a little attention from M.  So I stopped, and told him that I would like it if he talked to me, that I was looking for some connection.  He had had the whole day off, and he gets plenty of time to himself since he works just part time.  I asked if he would come in the kitchen and talk to me while I worked, because I was wanting some attention from him.  Being direct about what I wanted I think was good.  Later I apologized for reacting in anger when what I really had felt was rejected, and he said that’s okay.  

He did not end up coming in the kitchen to talk to me, because he said it was hot in there and there was no place to sit down, but he sort of hollered to me from the table around the corner.  We could not see each other, but I knew he was trying to compromise, and so was I.

So the realization was that I don’t have to react in a way that forces exactly the opposite of what I wish for.  I also don’t automatically get exactly what I want, because M is not there to provide that for me.  His wants matter, too.

This morning–What happened this morning is an ongoing, hmmm, area for growth for the two of us.  I believe this issue has a lot to do with M’s kids not communicating with him, except for a text here and there in response to M’s occasional texts to them.  

I started to say a sentence which was going to be about where to put my granddaughter while she is learning to crawl.  I only got a short phrase out about now wall to wall carpet is not so popular and hardwood floors are more the fashion, and M cut me off mid word to dispute that fact.  I stopped mid-sentence while he went on, disputing the fact, talking about the 1950’s.  I was just silent.  When he stopped, I said he may be correct, but that wasn’t what I wanted to share, anyway; that I was just wondering where I could put the baby, besides in her room on the floor, to learn to scoot around on the floor without the danger of smashing her face down on the wood floor.  I said we had agreed to try not to interrupt each other.  He put on a very, extremely patronizing tone, and said that must have felt so bad for me that I thought I was interrupted.  He kept going on in a fake "Aw, that must have be so bad for you, I’m so sorry you felt bad"… Just a bunch of game playing, which did start to provoke me into the old way of defending myself.

But I realized that was his stuff.  A mature response from him might have been a sincere, quick, oh, sorry for interrupting.  Instead he said I don’t know how to have a give and take conversation, which is what he falls back on often, a turnaround of blame, even if it is blatantly ridiculous.

The fact is that he is not a good listener.  It is the norm that he goes off on his own thought process, usually not even addressing in his responses what the other person’s main point was.  He will make a joke, or a mockery of a part of the other person’s sentence, or dispute some minor detail that is not anything to do with what the other person was trying to say.

So I just said, well, I am sorry, I recognize this is your issue right now.  I just wanted to let you know that I did not like it when you interrupted me.  I will talk with my son about the issue of the wood floors.  I just walked away and dropped my need to defend my worthiness.  I went to wash my face, and let the fear fall away from me.

What I realized was that I have no right to expect him to treat me exactly as I want to be treated.  If he interrupts me, okay, that is a rude habit, and perhaps it will get to the point that often I just give up and don’t share my thoughts with him.  But my usual response to his manipulations just give him exactly what he is shooting for–a focus on me and my childish reactions.  Just allows him to blame it all on my unreasonableness, in his mind.  Plus, in reality, I am expecting some sort of perfection from him, so that I can be comfortable.

Lastly, I have lately been thinking that I generally address my feelings that I am being treated differently than how I want to be treated as somehow my own fault, as if I have to prove that I deserve to be treated kindly and respectfully.  Lately, I have realized that it is up to ME to decide if I like the way I am being treated, and it is not caused by me being less valuable, it is just how M is.  The real choice becomes not "what do I do to get him to treat me in a way that feels loving to me?", but instead, "does this really work for me?  He is human and I am human, we are how we are… does our love allow us to be together while allowing the other to be less than perfect, even when it is painful?"

Rambling, sorting it out.  My stuff is my stuff, and that is the only area where I can make progress.