07/25/2013

 I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday and that seems like a reasonably good excuse to kill myself.

I won’t, of course, because I’m pathetic etc., but the point stands.

This awkward thing’s been happening where I spiral slowly into drug addiction and alcoholism. 

My dad was in jail for a while.  He’s out now.  I had to spend a lot of time with my mother while he was on ‘vacation’ and I discovered that she’s losing it.  I don’t know if it’s dementia or some other kind of mental illness, but.  And I know it’s selfish but I can’t handle it.

My goal is more or less to kill the part of me that used to aspire to things.  I’m done angsting about it.  Just have it over with.

John Green pissed me off yesterday.  He said he doesn’t want to write for adults because adults are boring.  Fuck him.  Kids.  Kids are boring.  Teenagers.  What the fuck do they know?  They’ve never had to sell their dreams to pay the phone bill.  The older I get, the more I see the tragedy of my parents’ lives.   Everything they had to give up to be ‘adults.’ 

It’s no wonder they resented me.

And John Green thinks adults are boring. 

I’m an adult now, supposedly, and I don’t feel boring.  But then, I don’t feel much.