08/19/2012

I don’t want to be lonely; I just want to be alone.

Sometimes, I don’t think ‘lonely’ is a big enough word for whatever it is that I am.

But when I’m around people, I only wish they’d go away.  I find them stressful, annoying.  Exhausting.

I know it’s because I’m self-absorbed.  Narcissistic, maybe.  I just don’t care about so many things.  Maybe it’s depression.  I don’t know. 

I don’t have conversations.  Lately it’s like my mind has been maybe 10% involved in whatever I’m supposed to be talking about.  And no one notices that I don’t care, that I’m not even there, so why should I bother trying harder?  People are satisfied with 10% of my mind, why would I give them more? 

Trying to remember the last meaningful conversation I had with someone.  Like, a conversation where I was more than a machine making helpful “mmm hmm” and “uh-huh” sounds.  I can’t. 

It’s wrong to want things.

I have nothing in common with anyone.  Woe.

I can’t sleep.  Not like it was a few weeks ago, though, where I wasn’t sleeping as much, but woke up after 5-6 hours completely rested.  I wake up exhausted, drag myself through the day, collapse into bed, and I don’t fucking sleep.

My sister is being a cunt lately.  I can’t stand her fiancé.  I think about moving out, but I don’t have the money.  I think about drowning myself.  I don’t have the willpower.  

All I really want to do is eat everything in sight, constantly.  Stress eating.  Or depression, or something. 

I’m empty.