07/10/2012

The sheer number of typos I’ve been making trying to write this is disturbing.  I think I need to sleep.  For more than five hours.

I drank half a bottle of wine first thing this morning.  Well, it was closer to this afternoon.  I was making cold strawberry soup, which has wine in it.  ¾ of a cup of wine, to be exact.  So, I drank half the bottle.

I’ve mostly given up drinking, because it gives me migraines and it’s too many empty calories.  Especially considering it gives me a migraine. 

But I haven’t lost a pound in three weeks, despite exercising daily. I even cut my calories down to under 1000/day for a week, and nothing.  I think I am just incapable of losing weight.  I’ll always be fat and unhealthy.  I might as well drink a half a bottle of wine at 11:30 in the morning.

I’ve spent the last five days in a really…weird place, emotionally.  I might have tried to drown myself on Friday, but I’m not sure.  My calves are bruised, but I’m quite sure why.  I feel competent and powerful, and frail and helpless.  Like whatever I do, I’ll fuck up magnificently.  Gloriously.

I can’t stand being around other people.  I can scarcely tolerate the presence of myself in my own mind.  It’s too loud.  Too much information, too much to deal with.  People want things, but they never tell you what, and hate you when you don’t know.

There’s a very good possibility that I am going to be alone forever.  I’ve found that hard to bear of late.  Most days it rolls off me.  I don’t know what’s wrong.