excessive rambling about awkward topics

I haven’t been sleeping well the last couple of nights, and imagine that trend is going to continue tonight.  I’m not sure what the issue was previously, but I’m too anxious about the encroaching forest fire to sleep tonight.  Even if it’s unlikely to come this far, I have a unique and well-practiced talent for worrying.

About everything.

Today, I baked cupcakes and cookies for my dog’s birthday party.  I am a crazy pet parent.  I can’t believe she’s two years old now.  Two years old and 68 lbs.  And I thought I was getting something beagle sized!

I’ve been working on channeling my anger and self-loathing into exercise.  This is a good thing, because my fat ass needs all the exercise I can get.  At the same time, I feel nothing afterwards.  Nothing is hard to deal with.

Speaking of hard to deal with.

I had dream the other night (back in the good ol’ days when I was sleeping) in which I was being… “intimate,” with someone.  Not someone I know, but he looked familiar.  This was pretty strange for me—I don’t dream about sex.  I don’t even really think about sex all that often, except for thinking that I don’t think about it.

Anyway, what was really odd about this dream was that I woke up and I actually wanted physical contact.  With another person.  Not necessarily sex—actually, definitely not sex—but just…contact?

I abhor being touched.

I’m not sure what to make of this situation.  Interestingly, it was a man in my dream.  I’m so indifferent to the idea of sex that I never really figured out if I was straight or gay or whatever.  It’s largely irrelevant.  But actually desiring physical contact is frightening.  It’s easier to not want it, because I’m not going to get it, even if I did.  Because of being a repulsive and disgusting freak, etc. 

I read in Psychology Today (this is related, by the way) that lonely people take frequent, long, hot showers.  There is apparently some sort of relationship between feeling physically cold and emotionally “cold.”  Lonely people apparently are trying to substitute physical warmth for social warmth.  I shower at least two times a day for at least 20 minutes each, and I often shower three times a day.  Because I always feel cold. 

Maybe I’m lonely.  Okay, I know I’m lonely.  Or maybe just “alone.”  I don’t desire other people in any way, most of the time.  But then sometimes I do, and it throws off everything I think I know about myself.  I am hard, I am a rock, a lone wolf.  I am a giant softie who needs a hug, oh god do I need a hug.

Oh my god don’t touch me.

I abhor being touched.

Sister’s fiancé hugs me all the time and I hate it.  But then, I hate him.  It’s an exaggeration to say I feel “violated” when he does it, but I wish he wouldn’t.  I can’t stand up for myself, though, and say “don’t fucking touch me,” or “I hate being hugged.”  Apparently, the number of times I’ve said it in my life is irrelevant, or I was kidding, or trying to be cute and coy.

But back to being a repulsive and disgusting freak for a moment.

I’ve never really felt…worthy? of love and affection.  I can’t be convinced that I am deserving of love because I do not feel I have ever been loved, therefore I am unlovable. 

I wonder if my asexuality is, in fact, a deeply ingrained habit of rejecting others before they could reject me. 

When I was in 5th grade, a girl informed me that because I was fat, no one would ever like me, let alone love me or even find me physically attractive.  I had mostly accepted all of that as truth by then, though.  Ten years old, and given up on ever finding meaningful relationships.  It’s kind of sad.

I haven’t found a meaningful relationship in the decade and a half since then.  I’m too disgusting and terrible and gross for anyone to enter into any kind of relationship with me.  I am so socially phobic that responding to a note on OD is generally more than I can handle.  Relationships are not ever going to be a part of my life.

Physical contact is not ever going to be a part of my life.

And sex is most definitely never, ever going to be a part of my life.

So I need to push those bad thoughts away and focus on something more important.  Or on anything else.  </

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