04/27/2012

Today was day two of doing nothing productive.  I feel like such a fucking loser.

People have been compelled to criticize me lately, and I am not sure why.  My mother thinks I am a loser shut-in.  Her brother thinks I cannot take care of myself or support myself.  My sister’s coworker said something very similar, because I do not drive.

They are right, of course.  I am, pretty much, a total loser.  I have no job, no skills, and no license.  I depend on my sister for everything.  The world probably would be a better place if I were not in it.  At the very least, it would not be changed by my absence.

I had life plans, but they fell through.  I fail at everything I try.  At least, I might as well fail.  Failure and success have exactly the same consequences.  No job, no money, no skills.  It’s as if I never went to college.  Like I never bothered to do anything with my life.

I want to tell these people, I used to be a person.  I used to be self sufficient and adult.  I used to leave the house, but I gave it up and I got nothing  in return.  I traded it all in for nothing .  I thought it was some noble sacrifice, for the greater good.  It wasn’t.  It was a lie, a joke, a pathetic gesture from a pathetic person.

And I am pathetic.