into the ocean (end it all)

Sometimes, it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean.

Actually, most days it feels like I’m falling in the ocean.  Treading water, maybe, or drowning. 

I did okay for a while. 

But there’s this…hollow space inside of me.  I wish I could say I was strong enough, that I could ignore the siren call, but I’m not.  And I can’t. 

It’s always “either/or” with me, and I know it shouldn’t be.  I have a bachelor’s degree in what amounts to understanding shades of grey.  I refuse to see them in my own life.  Either I am, or I’m not.  I am a success, or a failure.

Mostly a failure.

My cat says I should go to bed and pet him.  Sounds all right.