03/27/2012

I dreamed about drowning myself.  Again.  I woke up with the memory of the icy water of Lake Superior at my back, shivering in the dark at 5:10 when my alarm went off.  These dreams are… “triggering,” I guess, as much as I hate that word, and they stick with me all day.  It was hard, but I made it through the day.  Fuck you, subconscious, you won’t get the best of me.

Oh, but it was hard.

I didn’t exercise today, but Tuesdays I’m at school from 8 AM to 9 PM, and so I don’t begrudge that.  Tuesdays and Thursdays suck my will to live.

I haven’t eaten as much crap as I normally would, and I count this as a success. 

My doctor isn’t a big fan of pharmaceutical companies, and likes to try “natural” remedies, if they exist.  Which isn’t to say he won’t prescribe “real” meds, just that if there is a non-pharmaceutical option, he likes to try it first, or in conjunction with other meds.  I actually agree with this stance.  I’m not really into “alternative medicine,” but I can agree that there are natural remedies that have been shown (although perhaps not proven) to work.

Vitamin D is one of his “things.”  I’m on it for the benefits it confers for diabetics.  It supposedly also has a number of other benefits.  It might sort out my sleep issues (I sleep terribly), and vitamin D deficiency has been linked to depression.  I don’t know if vitamin D can “cure” depression, but I’ll give it a fair chance to work.  I have three months until my next appointment, after all, and I think that’s enough time to tell if I’ve gotten better.  If yes—yay!  If not, I can bring it up and we can try something else.

It sounds so easy.

I’m reluctant to take antidepressants.  Brain chemistry is serious shit.  It’s not that I don’t think they’ll work, or that I think taking them will make me “weak” or something.  But antidepressants have serious side effects, from weight gain to suicidal urges.  When my sister was on Lexapro, she turned into a zombie.  Literally just slept all the time.  I don’t have the physique for weight gain, and I don’t need any help with having suicidal urges.  I don’t have time for side effects.  Although some sleep would be amazing.

I don’t know what it’s like to be happy, and that scares me too. 

I’ve been battling this shit since I was in elementary school.  I wrote my first poem about suicide in the 4th grade.  I’ve been a cutter for 14 years.  I have not faced a single day of my adult life in a rational, non-disordered way.  Being like this is who I am.  I don’t know how to be normal, or happy, and I’m scared of what I could…lose?  Gain?  Become?

Who could I be, if I wasn’t me?