02/01/2012

Another month melted away, oh how time does fly.

Yes, it really does.

The 27th was my birthday, and it was surprisingly good.  Still, to be a quarter of a century old is hard to wrap my mind around.  Spending my days among the 18-22 crowd has me feeling my years acutely. 

But I go to my little classes, and take my little tests, and sometimes interact with the people around me.  Usually I’m surprised when I have any effect on my surroundings at all. 

Since school started again, I’ve been busy.  Tuesdays and Thursdays are the worst, with a seven hour long gap in the middle of the day that I struggle to fill.  Sometimes I go see my parents, but the disgusting smell of cigarette smoke clings to my clothes and hair, making me itch and long for a shower.  

I don’t feel old, but I am.  Things make more sense now, and I wonder if it’s because I’ve had the material before, or because my mind has had time to grow, to expand, to organize itself so that incoming information is easily sorted and maintained.  Maybe both.

I finally finished unpacking last weekend.  Last night I dreamed that I was going back to Detroit, back to my job and my classes.  Part of me wants to, desperately.  I miss the autonomy, of having my own money, of being something more than a “kept woman.”  I am not an adult, I am not even human.  I am a pet.  Or a housekeeper.  I am nothing.

Just a puppet on a lonely string.