01/15/2012

I have just discovered these: http://www.amazon.com/Coolibar-Womens-Long-Sleeve-Swim-Shirt/dp/B001QVEPUI

It is called a “swim shirt” and they are for people who need to cover up while they swim, mostly because they sunburn easily.  It is long-sleeved, though, and comes in a variety of bright colors.  They are apparently coming into vogue as people become more concerned about skin cancer and UV protection.

Yes, I have found, essentially, a long-sleeved swimsuit.  This means I can go swimming this summer, and not sulk in the house while Lake Superior calls me from across the road.  I can SWIM again.  I love swimming, and I miss it horribly.  I just need to scrape up $65.  It’s a bit pricey, but worth it to have something back that I thought was gone forever.  The best part is I can say “Sunscreen washes off, and I don’t want to burn” and that’s totally legitimate.  Really, it’s true that I don’t want to burn, there’s just that other dermatological issue that I need to address. 

This pleases me.

On a not-pleased note, I need to make an appointment to see my doctor.  I’m out of insulin, and I want to have a chat about switching to a different medication.  That shouldn’t be too bad.  They can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do.  I just…really, really hate doctors. 

I’ve apparently lost 15 pounds in the last year.  Well, 13.  This is pleasing, because I am a giant fat ass.  I was not, however, making any kind of effort to lose weight. 

Classes started, and my schedule goes past “unfortunate” and into the land of “brutal.”  Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I have only one class.  Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have three classes, but the last class of the day runs from 6 PM- 9PM.  The second class of the day runs from 10-10:50 AM.  That’s a seven hour long break where I have exactly nothing to do, but can’t go home.  It’s awful.  Oh, my first class on Tuesday and Thursday?  It’s at 8 AM.

I don’t think my classes are going to be too challenging, excepting the schedule, though.

This whole situation has me flashing back to 2005-2007, and not in a good way.  It just feels so weird.  Like I’m actually moving backwards through my life.  Those were the years the cutting started to get really bad, and living them again is not, I think, in my best interest. 

I want to live something new.  Or not live at all.  I see the white-capped waves on the lake and there is this compulsion to jump in and be pulled down and under and away.  Every. fucking. time.  I don’t think I will, and yet…it’s there.  Are other people compelled to drown themselves? 

Everything is a challenge.  I don’t especially think it matters.  I don’t matter, and I think, finally, finally I am beginning to accept it.  I don’t matter, and what I think doesn’t matter, and what I feel doesn’t matter and I don’t have to angst about it because it doesn’t matter.  Point me in any direction and tell me what to do.  I can be the perfect automaton, I can be anything you want.  I can take direction, and I can follow orders, as long as I don’t have to think about it.

Thinking never lead anywhere good.