08/16/2011

I intended to sleep until noon today, but Sister’s BF woke me up at 9:30 when he was leaving.  Then the dog wanted to go out, and there was no point in trying to get back to sleep.  I am a very light sleeper.  Sleeping is a challenge to me.  Getting there, staying there…all I ever want to do is sleep, but I just can’t.  I can’t nap.  I’ve tried, but it never goes anywhere. 

I wouldn’t say I’m an insomniac.  I spent about 8-10 hours a day in my bed, and I am, in fact, sleeping through some of it.  It’s just…hard.

Today, I spent a few hours doing some recording of myself singing. In the course of doing so, I realized that I am never going to be a good singer and I should just quit.  It’s not fair, but there’s no point getting upset about it.

This killer headache is building.

I cleaned out the pantry today, and tidied the house.  I don’t know why I bother, aside from the fact I am compelled to do so.  Just this little, tiny streak of OCD…

I wish fall would come.  I hate summer.  I want cold, windy days where I can snuggle up on the couch with a cat or two and a book.  But then, that’s just a fantasy because I have never had time, during cold windy days, to snuggle up on the couch with a cat and a book. 

I’m looking forward to taking general chemistry for the third time.  It’s funny, because I’ve passed general chemistry every time I’ve taken it, and yet I keep ending up there again.  I am anxious about becoming a scientist again.  I fear that I have lost too much of my intellect to do science, that I’ve become too stupid and complacent.  My intelligence used to be like a sharp knife that I could use for cutting ideas apart.  Now it feels like…nothing, really.  Like a puff of air that couldn’t even take down a house of cards.

What is an overachiever that achieves nothing?

My parents keep calling me, but I won’t answer the phone.  If it’s my dad, he will be drunk and prattling on about the 19-year-old he wants to marry, despite the fact that he is 51 and—oh yeah—MARRIED ALREADY.  If it’s my mom, she will nag me about not going out and doing things, despite the fact that her life consists entirely of work and television.  Lots of incentive, there.  The only person I can tolerate talking to for more than 5 minutes is my sister, and even that is becoming a trial.  It’s more of an obligation, really, since I feel bad about her living so far away and shit. 

Even though it was HER choice, it was FOR ME and so I need to feel fittingly guilty.  She sees to it, in her passive aggressive way.  She needs me to feel indebted to her so that I won’t leave.  She has actually expressed this.  And I let her do it because I’m pathetic and incapable of doing things on my own.

Win-win.  Or lose-lose.  I’m really not sure.