08/08/2011

My dad called me twice today, and texted.  He wanted me to call him back, but I didn’t.  I couldn’t tell if he was sober, and then I was annoyed that I had to make that judgment at all. 

I can’t stand the feeling of the floor against my feet.

I can’t stand the feeling of myself in my body.  In my mind.

I don’t burn bridges, even when I should.  I don’t think I’ve taken a decisive action in my life. 

The relationships that remain in my life feel like balls and chains, anchoring me in place.  I feel guilty that I feel that way.  I don’t think I’d know what to do with freedom, if I had it.  I don’t think I would recognize freedom.

I’m tired of doing things because I’m obligated to.  I spend all my time parked in front of the computer so I can chat with my sister while she’s at work, then I wait for her to come on Skype so we can talk.  I have to stay home so the dog can be out of her pen.  I need to get up to feed the pets and let the dog out.  I need to clean because no one else will, and everyone figures I have nothing better to do.  And they’re right, I really don’t have anything better to do, but I have things I’d like to do.  Places I’d like to go.

My mom thinks I need to get out of the house more.  I feel obligated to leave.

I went to volunteer at the animal shelter last week.  Now I feel obligated to go back, even though the people were rude and unwelcoming. 

All I ever do is whine.  But I’m held hostage, by feelings and by obligations.

I want to do my pre-vet work at Northern Michigan University, but I can’t.  I have to do it at LSSU so I can go live with my sister and our pets can be together and we can just be one big, happy family forever.  What sort of shitty person doesn’t want to be a big, happy family forever? 

I am never going to be a new person, I’m just going to be the same person over and over again.  And it’s not a good person to be.  Not a person worth knowing.