the impossible dream

“And the world would be better for this,
that one man scorned and covered with scars
still strove with his last ounce of courage
to reach the unreachable star!” -The Impossible Dream

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not sure what the impossible dream is.  Well, I know the story of Don Quixote, although I’ve never seen Man of La Mancha.  So I know what the song means by “the impossible dream”.

I once adopted this as my theme song, though, because I had vague notions of questing towards something meaningful.  The last verse (quoted above), I felt, was particularly pertinent to my situation, where I perceived myself as continuing towards my ultimate goal despite being cut to pieces doing so.  I would do something good for this world, I thought, if I died in the process.

Oh, the idealism of youth.

Funnily, it was only a few years ago.

I’ve always worn cynicism like a suit of armor, trying to protect something soft and weak underneath.  I am sentimental, idealistic, and—dare I say it—sensitive.  These are not traits that are valued in our society, so I throw on an overcoat of cynicism to hide all of that.

Ayn Rand poses an interesting question in “Atlas Shrugged.”  Why should I want to give to a world that will take without giving even gratitude in exchange?  I have wondered that often for the last 5 years, since the first time I read the book.  Perhaps I have been socially conditioned into being idealistic and selfless.  To believe that these are good things.

All the cynicism and selfishness in the world cannot penetrate the fact that I do, ultimately, believe this.

There’s always been something romantic in the idea of self-sacrifice for me.  So, I guess in that regard, I am selfish, as I am self-sacrificing towards my own ends.  To throw myself away on those who do not even know enough of what I’ve sacrificed to be grateful seemed, to me, the ultimate act of charity.  The ultimate…good deed?  So I could finally say, “yes, I am a good person.”

I do not believe I am a good person.

If I throw myself away on those who do not even know enough of what I’ve sacrificed to be grateful, I have ultimately only thrown myself away.  To what end?

I can be as self-sacrificing as I like, until I run out of self to sacrifice.

I think my impossible dream is…some kind of transcendence.  To leave behind the human weaknesses that hold so many others back.  I have tried so hard to cultivate in myself patience, selflessness, diligence, and fortitude.  I want to leave behind jealousy, anger, resentment, and above all, fear.  I want to attain a nobility…or chivalry… that is utterly lacking in today’s culture and society. 

To what end?

I’m not sure about that part.  It’s likely got something to do with the belief in God that I have such trouble acknowledging.  Which is funny, because if God is the dick that Christians make him out to be, all the efforts to self-sacrifice for the good of others will mean absolutely nothing before my inability to profess faith. 

 

There will be no rewards for all of this.

 

 

 

ch trouble acknowledging.  Which is funny, because if God is the dick that Christians make him out to be, all the efforts to self-sacrifice for the good of others will mean absolutely nothing before my inability to profess faith. 

There will be no rewards for all of this.