07/06/2011

I’m trying to get through the days, but it’s hard.  Before, I thought I was struggling with “what’s the point” and “why should I bother.”  Now it’s about a thousand times worse.  Why should I do anything at all?

The fact is, at 24 years old, I am utterly unequipped to take care of myself.  Sure, I can get through the day.  I will consume food, and output waste.  I will do housework, laundry and the like.  I will go to work, and classes.  But I can’t take care of myself.

I don’t know how to pay the electrical bill, for one.  Or any of the other bills, except for my cell phone.  Luckily, my sister can take care of that from afar.  I applied for a job today (up north, so I can move with her…I’m so pathetic) but I couldn’t send in the materials until after I’d had her read my cover letter.  I’m a strong writer, a REALLY strong writer, a stronger writer than she is…but I still need her.

Maybe our relationship is unhealthy.  But she’s the only person in my life who gives a shit about me, and she’s the only person in my life that I care about, really care about.  I love my parents, but they always made it clear that I was more of an inconvenience than a joy.  My sister has always loved me, the closest thing to unconditional love I’ve ever experienced.  She’s flawed, of course, and I’ve made my complaints about her…but they just seem trite about now.

It’s as if someone walked into the room, and severed my right arm from my body, and left me alone to figure out how to cope in the world.  

So, I’m trying.  I didn’t cry at all today, which is better than yesterday.  But then, my mom didn’t call today to more-or-less tell me off for being abandoned by my sister.  Rather, for not moving with her.  My sister is “having a hard time” and my mom is “worried about her being all alone.”  Like I need to be made to feel guilty on top of feeling lonely and abandoned and shitty.

My cat has largely abandoned me for the bathmat in the upstairs bathroom.  I am more upset by this than I can admit and still be considered a rational person.  My other cat is still adjusting to life without his favorite person.  Once my sister gets her own place, I’m thinking I’ll send the cats to live with her on a more-or-less permanent basis.  My mom is right, she IS all alone, and she should have the company that the little guys can provide.

I’m kind of sad that I can’t share my ridiculously angsty FMA video with anyone in real life.  They don’t understand ridiculous angst.

Sometimes when I’m playing World of Warcraft, I take my toon up to one of the highest towers in Stormwind and throw her off of it.  I imagine myself taking a similar plunge.  But my ghost wouldn’t rush back to my corpse to reanimate it, with nothing more permanent than some damaged gear, easily repaired at a local vendor.  If only all things broken were so easily mended.