it’s childhood’s end

Who am I to you?

Do You even exist any more?  Are you out there, or are you only in my head?

There was a time when I was someone to all of you.  When I meant something to this world.  But slowly I have spiraled off into irrelevance.  And now it’s just me here, just me, and I’m alone and has it always been that way and I never knew?

How could I never see?

I read back today, my own thoughts and pathetic ramblings from years ago and it was there then, too.  It was there.

And I think it always has been.

How much pain and misery could I have saved myself if I had just done it then?  If had just had the fucking guts to do it then?

It’s funny, because I read these anonymous notes from months ago, and it just seems so wrong.  That there’s so much fucking here, it’s ALL here, isn’t it, if you take enough time to read it, and yet the snap judgements.  Over 500 entries, but they learn everything from one.

but then, I guess it’s NOT all here, because the things that matter I could never say, because someone I knew might come along and be confronted with the ugly truth that they never wanted to know.  And I couldn’t do that to them because I’m so fucking polite.  But I’m sick of it, sick of being polite and hiding behind this facade of normalcy.  Am I normal?  Anonymous noter seems to think so.  But what would they know? 

Because even if they bothered to read this whole piece of shit, it’s not all there.  There is so much that I’ve kept hidden and it’s eating away at me inside.  It is eating at me.  I have been rotting away for years but I have painted a happy face on it because I was only concerned about not destroying myself in the eyes of others.  But I have destroyed myself in other ways.  

But I am not alone, at least according to anonymous noter.  Because they know how I wake up every morning fighting to keep the fucking smile on my face–or at least, fighting not to sob.  And they know how I can’t tell anyone about what is eating at me.

but what would I know?  It’s only my life.  My sad, desperate, fucked up, pointless, lonely life.

God I’m just pathetic.