Giving.

I’m not a very giving person, so says my OkCupid profile.  I wonder at what point it determined I was not a giving sort of person.  What question I answered to make it think so.

I do not, however, question that it’s true.

I’ve always been very adamant about the difference between selfish and self-centered.  To me, being selfish meant that you think first of yourself, whereas being self-centered was to think only of yourself.  Selfishness seemed something of a defense against an uncertain world, and self centeredness was just an abominable personality characteristic.  Of course, I always thought I was selfish, but now I really wonder.

I do not give money to homeless people on the street.  Most days, I pretend I don’t even see them.  Like everyone else.  But does everyone else suffer the same surge of guilt, and walk away ashamed of themselves?  I have money to give, money that could be spent on frivolous things.  To be selfish, I would think first of myself: will the rent get paid?  The bills?  After that, I could think of others, but I don’t.  Instead, I choose to hoard money, a rather useless commodity, to make myself feel safe and secure.  Why should I part with even a quarter?

It’s really disgusting, actually.  That my compassion was so shallow that less than a year in the city could destroy it.

But I don’t really care.