I’ll start a war with it.

I hate alternating between periods of intense boredom and periods of intense anger.  If I’m not bored, I’m pissed off, if I’m not pissed off I’m bored.  Whatever happened to "happy" and "sad" or even "amused"?  Apathy is easy, apathy is comfortable, apathy builds up the energy required for anger.

I remember when I used to be original.  When I was the only one wearing all black and listening to loud music and writing bad poetry.  Now I see all of these 13 year olds in their baggy black pants and it kind of makes me laugh.  Because I see myself, but I also see how fake it is, and I realize how fake I was and how fake I still am.  It’s all a show, isn’t it, the image we adapt?  I used to play the role of "fucked up teen" but now I’m trying out the role of "average college student".  But I’m still me.  And no matter how hard I try, I am always going to be the shallow, scared person that felt that she needed to try these roles if only to get them to stop laughing and pointing and for god’s sake leave me alone for one goddamned second.

Character is who you are when no one else is around.  But you are the direct result of the cruelty of a culture that shuns anyone who can’t achieve some ridiculous ideal.  And maybe that’s why I’m angry.  That I am who I am because I HAVE TO BE.  Because THEY MADE ME.  I don’t like who I am today, I know I could have been a much better person.  Everyone starts out to pure, with so much ability to good, and what have I become?

But then, it could always be argued that I was just weak.  That it was weak of me to adapt the way I did.  But I never conformed to their standards.  I never achieved the ideal.  But it was still that ideal that molded me into this.  Even those who say they ignore the standards set by society are held in the constraints of the ideal.  By ignoring it, they create it, and in fact create a new ideal.  What is worse?  Mainstream culture or mainstream counterculture?

Do I blame society for my current state?  Honestly, I think I do.  I did what I had to do to survive, because they just couldn’t let me be.  And now…

Now I’m angry.  And I don’t care.