flowers fade, the fruits of summer fade…

I was staring off into Lake Superior.  The sky was a dark blue-gray.  The chunks of ice in the water churned, propelled by the waves that were brought on by the stiff breeze.  It was March, and it was about to storm.  I was wearing my spring coat, jeans, and sneakers.  Except for the wind, it was completely silent, and I was alone.  I stepped hesitantly towards the frigid water, and then, abandoning all reserve, I jumped in.  The current caught me and I was pulled away from shore.  The waves forced me under the water and I began to choke.  I couldn’t swim.  I didn’t want to.

I’ve had the dream twice, both times shortly after my birthday.  It’s strangely reminicent of the dreams I used to have when I was kid.  I would be standing on a bridge over the canal that runs through the middle of the city, and I would fall.  Or jump.  And drown.

I suppose my sub-conscious preoccupation with drowning probably means I’m feeling overwhelmed.

I turned 18 on the 27th.  I’ve yet to do anything remotely adult, and find that being 18 has been a letdown.  What did I expect, though?  A sudden bout of adult insight that leads to the solution of all of my problems?  I was hoping that when I became an adult I would be a different person.  But I’m not.