I don’t know.

Sometimes, I think I need a best friend.  Someone I can talk to.  Someone I trust enough to tell everything.  Living in a constant paranoia and worry is draining.  I don’t have this kind of energy anymore.  I wish I could just completely unburden myself to someone.  But I don’t trust anyone enough.  I never have.  I trust some people more than others.  I trust my sister the most out of anyone, and I don’t even tell her anything.  My friends…I don’t talk to them.  They aren’t interested in serious conversations, especially with me.  I have the pressure of constantly trying to be perfect, of straining to stay in control.  Most days I want to slam my head repeatedly into a wall.  Hell, some days I do.  But when I’m around other people, I must always be cool and calm.  I am the only “sane” person I know.  Everyone else has shown their weaknesses in one way or another.  I have the best “normal” act of anyone. 

I don’t know why I can’t open up to people.  Maybe it’s because I was picked on a lot as a kid.  Maybe it’s because I know that no one in my life really gives a damn about me, so there’s no point in trying.  Maybe it’s just my nature.

I’m not an attention whore by nature.  Maybe that’s my problem.  I hate attention. If anyone I actually cared about read some of these entries, I’d be mortified.  Actually, only if they mentioned it to me.  I’m unwilling to discuss anything of a serious nature with anyone because that would cause their attention to be all together too focused on me.  I hate that.  Maybe that’s why I was a failure at therapy.  I couldn’t stand talking about myself for an hour a week.

Fuck, I hate myself.