10-30-04

It’s nearly 11 on a Saturday night, or maybe 10 if you’ve set your clocks back already.  Either way, I must face the fact that I am here, alone, and bored.  For the third week in a row, I have been completely ditched by my so-called “best friend” for those fucking exchange students.  I knew the year overseas would change her, we all change, especially in a year.  But I was hoping the relative neglect I suffered before she left would be rectified and everything could be peachy.  I was wrong.  I’ve been replaced and there’s nothing I can do about it.

But that’s really not what’s “bugging” me right now.  That’s more of a slight sting under the skin-a bother, but nothing major.  I have proven I don’t need friends before, now is no different.  What’s really bothering me is, as usual, myself.  My inadequacy as a human being is astounding.  The fact that I’ve been replaced isn’t really bothering me, but the fact that I had to be does.

I’d like to ask dramatically, “What’s wrong with me???!!!??”  but it’s so painfully obvious that I can’t even indulge myself that.  I’m too hard to like.  I’m cold, serious, cynical, sarcastic, rude…I am not a pleasant person.  I’m afraid of any kind of intimacy.  I can’t let people in past a certain point.  I can’t develop meaningful relationships because I can’t trust anyone.  All of my friendships are shallow.  No one knows me.  I know none of them.  I can’t relate to people.  I am unsympathetic, in fact, I am completely apathetic.  I don’t “feel” for people.  I can’t “relate.”  My emotions are dampened, when I feel anything at all.  Laughter is usually forced.  I smile and frown in all the right places but I couldn’t care less.  Maybe people find it unnerving.  I don’t care.

I don’t care about people or their feelings.  I don’t care about myself.  If I act warmly, I am humoring you.  Really, there are only 3 people that I care deeply about, enough to try to save them any undue pain.

“What have I become, my sweetest friend?”

Hate is the only thing left, and the only thing I hate is myself.  My world is worthless, my life is worthless.  Someday I am going to die.  Someday I am going to be forgotten.