look right through me

The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.

I have a superpower.  I really do.  I can be invisible.

I don’t just blend in, I’m invisible.  Maybe I’m not even there.

It’s stupid to doubt my very existence.  Obviously, I’m here.  Or am I?  Is it obvious?

Mostly, I feel worthless.  Sub human, sometimes.  Like I’m not even important enough to merit acknowledgement.  Which is only reinforced by the fact that I seem to be invisible.

It’s just trite and meaningless.  I am trite and meaningless.

I’ve been waiting for the right timing, and the time never seems to be right.  Is it pathetic that I won’t kill myself because I don’t want to abandon my cats?

I like my cats more than I like almost everyone I know.

They do exactly what they’re supposed to.

They’re warm and cuddly and cute.  They make me happy after a bad day.

Unlike humans, who usually just exacerbate…everything.

My cats are there for me where most people can’t be bothered.

If I had my way, it’d be me and the cats forever, riding away into the sunset.

And so on and so forth.

I’ve discovered that most people aren’t worth knowing.

We’re all fucking stereotypes here.  All of us.  You could find about a million of me if you looked long enough.  Probably more if you had the time.

Really, relationships have gotten me nowhere.  There’s no real positive.  Except someone to entertain me for a few minutes and split the rent.

and I feel like shit because that’s what I’ve reduced them to.  They deserve better than that, better than me.  Why can’t I just get the fuck over this whole empty-hollow-worthless-self-loathing-masochistic bender?  Why can’t I be the person they want me to be?

It’s not like I don’t try.

Really.

For all the bitching I do here, you’d think I was some pathetic sack of shit in real life.

But I’m not.

Really.

I’m fully functional.  Job going, good grade-earning, housekeeping, bill paying, fully functional.

<span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height:

115%; font-family: "Arial Black","sans-serif"”>Really.

You wouldn’t even know me if you saw me.  Unless it was 90 degrees, because then I’d be the only person wearing long sleeves.  But in the winter, you wouldn’t know.  Because I am fucking brilliant, I always have been, and brilliant people aren’t this fucked up.

Really.