shut off

It wasn’t really a conscious decision.  I didn’t wake up one morning and decide that it would be more convenient for me if I never had to feel anything.  It was a very slow process, as far as I can tell, because it was so gradual that I never even noticed.

Hollow.  Disconnected.  Almost as though I am standing 25 feet behind myself, watching disinterestedly as life passes by.  It doesn’t touch me, it can’t.  Nothing can.

And when I wake up in the morning, I move on autopilot.  And when I cut myself, I move on autopilot.  Even the pain doesn’t register.  I don’t feel anything.  Nothing.  And when I suddenly find myself compelled to jump from the 4th floor of one of the buildings on my college campus, it takes me by surprise.  There is no warning, no context.  I am fine.  And then I am not.  I am hollow.  Hollow.

And I know that I was never fine.  I was never anything.  Nothing is not fine.  I don’t know.  I don’t fucking KNOW how I am.  It just feels like there’s a wall in my head, that when I try to think about it I can’t get past it.  Maybe it’s not a wall.  Maybe there’s really nothing there.  maybe I am nothing.