05/03/2009

Every day, it’s my damnation.

I write here too much, I post too much; I flood the depression circle with my pointless yammering on a near daily basis lately.

I know it.

I could lie, and tell myself that I can’t do this much longer.  But I know I can do this until the end of time. 

Sometimes I think about the future.  Not just tomorrow, but the days after.  The years, the long long long years. 

It’s so fucking scary.

I’m falling apart, and I know it.  I can watch the cracks widen with the cool disinterest of someone to whom none of this matters.

None of this matters to me.  The cuts, the bruises, the endless days of vague irritation and boredom, my god, the boredom.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be one of those people who goes on a shooting rampage.   They just snap and go out and slaughter random people.   I wonder what it would feel like.

Mostly I’d just want the cops to shoot me.

Sometimes I want to run away.  Just leave everything and everyone behind, catch a bus, and never come back.  Never look back. 

But being someone else wouldn’t fix any of this shit.

I fucking hate this shit.  All of it.  Me, you, them, that kid over there…

I’ve been cursed with a rationality that, even in the throes of complete irrationality, I cannot escape.  I see things to fucking clearly.  I ever see myself clearly.  I KNOW I’m completely fucking insane.  I know it’s not rational, none of this shit is, but it doesn’t matter.

I can see and it’s still not good enough.

But I can SEE.  Everything.  It’s all so connected for me and I can’t fucking get away.  I never will.  And you.  You will never understand.