02/28/2009

The same words that would save me would ruin me. 

 

“I’m not okay.”

 

Three words, and I could change ALL of this.  Three little words and I could make it all better.  For me.  Speak three words, and all of this would go away.

 

That is the power of words.

 

Three words, and I could change ALL of this.  Three words and I could ruin it all.  For Them.  Speak three words, and wreak devastation on the future.

 

That is the power of words.

 

It seems so silly, so melodramatic, like I’m such a fucking martyr.  That I would suffer for years in silence to save Them pain.  There is a hard, logical part of me that scoffs, that tells me what a fucking idiot I am.  That I am over-estimating my own importance, that They could work through this.  That my failure will not be the end of the world.

 

But it WILL be the end of Theirs.  At least as They know it.

 

Instead of moving on into a bright suburban future, they would instead move forward burdened with the Nutty Relative.  The Relative I swore I would never be.  They would move forward into a future burdened with guilt because They didn’t act sooner.  They will have a long future of feeling obliged to the Nutty Relative.

 

I don’t think you understand.

 

The Nutty Relative…

 

She tried to kill herself, one day, after my family had had a rather  Happy Day.  It had been Fun and Carefree…for us.  For Her, it was simply a reminder of Her separateness, of her Non-Familial status.  And she tried to kill herself.  And instead of helping Her, instead of Being There For Her, my mother had her committed.

 

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My mother spent years looking after my aunt.  Our family has wallowed in a pool of guilt for the last 16 years, obliged to help because we feel so fucking bad, but we just want to be FREE.

 

I don’t want to be the Nutty relative, that They feel obliged to humor, but ultimately wish They didn’t have a responsibility to.  I don’t want to be that person, the one who always needs to be looked after.  I can’t fucking do that to the NEXT generation.    I can’t be a burden, I can’t force Them into being my keepers, a position that they would impose on Themselves out of guilt. 

 

If I break, I will set myself free.  I will be free, but I will have shackled Them to a future of guilt that No One deserves.