Losing fire

 Undeniable…
No matter the distance..
Emotionally.. mentally…time…
Each step I take there’s still something there…
Something that says none of these places are home…where I belong. 

But I’m so strong now.
All these things I’ve done
Muscle I’ve gained..physically and metaphorically. Emotionally. 
I’m all the things now that I wanted to be then-
I’m my own everything 
So I can finally see the beauty..I can finally be a proper inspiration..  
I feel good about being encouraging. 
And I am…where I never was before..I never had the strength within myself to be a partner. 

So I’m here. 
With new interest that feels so fleeting..so new..so easy…
But I’m still world’s away in a sense. 
And dreams are changing. 
I’m seeing things and making actions that seem old..
Would I do those things? 
I question myself in ways now that I haven’t in a long time. 

What I’ve got..
I’m not sure. 
Its so what I need…
His neat hands..so calculated… Yet underneath there’s this unexpected fire. 

Every now and then I get this moment of weakness..
And maybe it isn’t weak, but human- where one line from a song can trip me up. -and after a year, for a second, I’m back where I began-Next to all these memories where fire started in my heart. One that I seem to have lost. Traveling back in time in silence where things seem surreal, but in place. 
Something about these scenes make me feel soft-delicate-in a way I no longer seem to grasp.
I work each new day toward  this machine-made mindset. Becoming something unstoppable, unbreakable…But the human parts come through with one song, one image, one word. And something about it all still feels like home. 
Familiarity can’t be an excuse after a year. 

A part of me demands that I ask myself these questions. 
Almost a whole year and yet…it remains. 
And it isn’t surface…its something much more profound. 
We were far from perfect…but there’s just this intensity and fire that can’t be extinguished. 

Time…time was supposed to be the answer…
And has answered so much…
But not this..
Not when it comes to him. 
Something about it defies time and reason…
 Is that not the definition of what love should be? 

I torture myself with questioning these things..But I feel I have to.