Stop, to come around again.
Been a while since I’ve had this,
early morning shakes,
quiet comfort,
warmth,
shunning the light of day,
just wanting to keep the company, and sleep.
The first step in the next direction…
Only makes sense that it would be so distant in so many ways.
Almost like I planned it that way,
need it to be like this…
Physically far, age difference, busy-ness that only leaves weekends.
It’s just right for where I am.
Not wanting much, but just a little of something intriguing.
It’s all different.
Entirely.
So well put together,
clean, neat, sure of everything, it seems.
A sense of emotional and mental togetherness that I need.
Someone to keep up with the more adult mindset I seem to have over most people my age.
Intimidating in that he seems to be a bit ahead of me,
leaving me to feel a little out of control,
it’s nerve wracking, and a little exhilarating.
I keep thinking back to the motions,
something about him isn’t quite what I want,
but every way he moves seems to fit right.
It isn’t the intensity that I feel burning from inside out,
but on the outside, the motions are the same,
breaking skin,
fighting for the control,
teeth to muscle,
grin to jaw clenching..
push, pull, shift,
cocky smirk that means something went right, and in that moment, you won.
Something fun, light, but intense in some way.
He has something in him that intrigues me,
some intensity that doesn’t just happen in everyone.
Maybe it’s the sport,
the sport does a lit for everyone.
Still,
I have second thoughts about where this is going.
He asked,
keep it simple, keep it steady and a little far apart.
I’ve got these things in the back of my mind that I still have to deal with,
things I don’t think I can ever live beyond,
or get rid of.
Maybe it just takes a chance,
but all this time spent on my own,
with myself,
I dont want it gone.
Maybe I’m not ready to share it with someone else.
but perhaps, it’s time to take the leap and see just how far I’ve come.
Usually I feel a sense of emptiness when it happens…
Something about it wasn’t too soon, too fast.
Starting out, I stopped where it was,
and ended up right there later on,
with more confidence and sense of protection that I always seem to be drawn to.
No part of me feels oddly about it,
like many times before.
Maybe I’ve just grown past the naive notions in my mind I once held it up to.
Yeah…most of those ideas are gone…
I’m getting old..