12/24/2013
I lied today.
I didn’t feel bad about it.
Just a little scared.
If I don’t lie…will I ever have the chance to experience anything else?
I don’t know.
I just know..my heart doesn’t race…
Yet ..its something I have common ground on .
And I feel good about it.
Its an odd connection I just wanted to test out.
Its different and on my level with my newest passion.
It isn’t suffocating…its just what I can take.
Something far away and just as busy as me.
And in love with the same hobby.
Sometimes…I feel like I’m just passing time.
The thought occurred to me today.
I’ve enjoyed myself these past few months..
But when it comes to these kinds of decisions..
Its almost like I opt out.
After a night like the other night.
I’ve just come to realize too much.
And while it would have drowned the old me in sadness..
The person I am now is only surrounded with the memories of it…feeling the simple, happy nostalgia…
And for the first time in a long time…wanting a part of it back.
I don’t feel weak in this longing…as I would have once before.
It isn’t weakness…its just how I feel..There’s this part of me that feels so alive when I am in contact with this feeling..Something that I still cannot explain..and had begun to think was just a part of being with someone for so long.
But when you’ve been apart for almost a year…without even a second in close quarters…and it still exists..You realize its more than just time spent together and a feeling you grew into. Its something else..but still…I can’t put words to it.
I’m at a whole new point in my life..and still…this one thing remains…all the things I ever believed still have not completely become lost to me..I just…don’t let myself think them any more..and they don’t hurt any more.
Maybe Im just crazy…but I just don’t feel like its only me.
I just know the feeling that shook through me when I’d catch him look at me. And it was exactly the same look I got from him in the beginning and all through everything. Twice I saw it..and twice it just felt that I belonged..like right there..in that gaze… I was where I was supposed to be.
A part of me feels slightly naive .
He’s happily moved on and as I’ve dated here and there..nothing seems to be where I feel I can let myself be.
Because it comes to the moment when we have to talk about the past.
And whether or not I want to admit it….the fire that I’m seeking just hasn’t been there yet.